Run o' the Mill Jokes

[Salvo]

Doctor John had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: 'John, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go, John.'

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality whispering,
'John you're a Veterinarian, you sicko.'

[Salvo]

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's when the fight started...

[Salvo]

News tonight.

A woman, very mad at her husband, tried to pull a Laurene Bobbit on him.

She missed the old lad but cut his leg very badly.

They could only charge her with a misstheweener.

[Terri Yaki]

Do Memes count?

[animal]

Cool meme, Teri ... I stole it
Sal, call this one revenge 
A guy living on a bay in Florida befriended a dolphin and became obsessed with it. He spent every moment possible swimming with it, petting it, etc. Then his job was transferred to Georgia and he had to move. Unable to do without his friend, he bought a house with the largest swimming pool he could find and set it up for the dolphin. When he was ready, he went back, captured his old friend and returned to Georgia. He got away with it, but the dolphin refused to eat anything he was given. The only thing the dolphin had eaten were a few small fish that were inadvertently trapped when it was trapped. So the guy decides to go back to the bay, catch a huge load of small fish and take them back in his truck. As soon as he crossed back into Georgia, the cops pull him over. The huge load of fish looked suspicious so they investigate. The charge? Transporting minnows across the State line for an illegal porpoise.   

[animal]

Why did the Buddhist refuse Novocaine when he had a tooth pulled?

He wanted to transcend dental medication. 

[Salvo]

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
That's when the fight started.

[iddee]

A lady called the pub and asked for Murphy. Bartender said he's not here. Lady sad, If you see him, tell him I'm going to get pregnant about 9 O'clock, if he wants to be here.

[animal]

God sees that Adam is lonely in the garden, so he goes down and tells him that he can make a woman for him, but he'll need to take a part of him to ensure a match.

Adam: Whats a woman?
God : A wonderful being made similar to you but with differences to compliment your form. She'll be intelligent, wise, beautiful, funny, cook for you, clean for you, and have sex whenever you want.
Adam: That sounds amazing! What will it cost me?
God: An arm and a leg.
Adam: That's pretty steep. What can I get for a rib?

[iddee]

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
<
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SHE HUGGED ME!

[Ben Framed]

Not thats funny!!!!!   

[animal]

good one iddee

My wife says I'm the only one she's ever been with


and that all the rest were 8s and 9s.

[Ben Framed]

Well; you should feel blessed for her to say that! On the scale from 0-10 you must be a registered10 in her book!
Advice: Give the good woman a kiss and take her out to dinner ASAP! Then a genuine huge before you leave the restaurant as you exit the door.
To put you on such a high scale, she deserves it!  Apparently you both do!!!

[Salvo]

WAIT!!!!

I don't think Ben got the joke.

Ben. ...He's the only 1.

Get it?    1

All the rest were 8's and 9's. He's a 1! (Face palm emoji here)

Ah! The beauty of an innocent mind.

Sal
Maybe it's me?

[Salvo]

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.  Soon the church was empty, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So, Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope," said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."

[animal]

Sal, I think he missed the fact that I was telling a joke. He knows enough about the wife and I to know what's said in the joke, doesn't apply to us.
but ...

Advice: Give the good woman a kiss and take her out to dinner ASAP! Then a genuine huge before you leave the restaurant as you exit the door.

If I do that before we leave the restaurant, pretty sure We'll get arrested. 
and that makes it sound like dinner is foreplay ... I can dig it

[Ben Framed]

Goodness boys!  Some folks apparently go back through puberty a second time in their old age. While it seems others never left it!     lol. 


PS please remember to be careful with your wording, even in the joke section.

[animal]

geez, you sound like my wife  always the adult  ... but  ... I know not what course others may take, but as for me, give me eternal youth, or I'll be childish. I think Patrick Henry might've said something like that, Ben Franklin for sure.  so yes dear, I'll try to be more careful and I promise to not post the stuff I think is really funny

in other news ..
A man celebrating his birthday at 101 had a heart attack, was rushed to hospital, but the prognosis didn't look good. While everyone was gathered around his deathbed he confessed to his favorite granddaughter, "I'm scared. It's been 25 years since your grandma passed and now it's my time."
To comfort him she tearfully says, "but grandpa, you're not really dying, and grandma is waiting for you in heaven." He replies, "I know, that's what I'm afraid of."

[Ben Framed]

> geez, you sound like my wife  always the adult 

Well sometimes it is more fun to be the child! That I?ll admit. lol    ,

but we do have bylaws, and out of respect for beemaster forums and those bylaws, and our Adult members and guest. . . 
And let?s not forget the younger guest who view this forum.   We had just yesterday alone, viewers in the upper hundreds viewing Beemaster.  😊 Probabaly from all walks of life.

[animal]

so ... wife wanted to make some tuna salad to take to some partyish thing for the daughter. She and the kid went back and forth deciding on how much to make and asked me to go pick the stuff up at the store. I was paying attention as well as could be expected (I thought) and went to the store. Got the onions celery and some other stuff, but that "unsure feeling" crept over me so I texted.

Me: How many cans of tuna did you guys decide on?

Wife: 6!
(seemed like she was a little irritated)

Me: I haven't counted, but I'm pretty sure they don't have 720 cans at this store.

Wife: (response censored due to by-laws)