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Author Topic: Old age.  (Read 297 times)

Offline sawdstmakr

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Old age.
« on: September 20, 2020, 03:20:43 pm »
Today I was in a shoe store that sells only shoes, nothing else. A young girl with a tattoo and green hair walked over to me and asked, "What brings you in today? I looked at her and said, "I'm interested in buying a refrigerator." She didn't quite know how to respond, had that deer in the headlights look.
I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.
When people see a cat's litter box they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" I just say, "No, it's for company!"
Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency. I think you should write, "An ambulance."
The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Have you ever noticed: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he knows when he's really in trouble.
Did you ever notice that when you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs?"
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Some people try to turn back their "odometers." Not me.
I want people to know why I look this way.
I've traveled a long way and a lot of the roads were not paved.
Ah! Being young is beautiful but being old is comfortable.
Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.
May you always have:
Love to share,
Cash to spare,
Tires with air,
And friends who care. 📷To share, copy and paste.

Offline Ben Framed

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Re: Old age.
« Reply #1 on: September 21, 2020, 02:25:33 am »
Good one Jim ✔️
Thanks 😊
For this people's heart is waxed gross, and their ears are dull of hearing, and their eyes they have closed; lest at any time they should see with their eyes and hear with their ears, and should understand with their heart, and should be converted, and I should heal them.

Offline salvo

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Re: Old age.
« Reply #2 on: September 21, 2020, 11:50:39 pm »
More Old Age.

Moishe has been lying ill for weeks. A few days ago he slipped into a coma, and everyone feared the worst. The family is called. The son from Miami. The daughter from Bridgewater. The aunts. The uncles. All sit waiting for the end.

Suddenly a miracle! Moishe opens his eyes. Weakly he motions for his son to approach so he can talk to him. Moishe is weak from the illness and so his voice is very faint as he says, "I've been ill?" "Yes, papa," replies the son with tears choking his voice, "very ill."

The papa nods and speaks again. "I had a dream. I was nearing death when I suddenly smelled the aroma of your mother's apple strudel. I love that strudel. As wonderful a cook as my Sadie is, that strudel is her masterpiece." He lays back against the pillow, weak from the exertion of speaking.

"What a wonderful dream, papa. But the smell is real. Mama just took the strudel out of the oven to cool."

"A miracle!" cries Moishe as he tries to rise, and weakly falls against the pillows. He turns to his son and says, "I'm still too weak to get up. Go to the kitchen and get for me a piece of Sadie's strudel."

The son obediently rises and leaves the room to fulfill his father's request, only to return a few moments later empty handed. He sits again by his father's side.

Moishe looks at him and says, "Nu? Where is the strudel?"

The son replies, "I'm sorry, papa. Mama says it's for AFTER the funeral!"
Salvo

Offline sawdstmakr

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Re: Old age.
« Reply #3 on: September 22, 2020, 08:32:01 am »
Tha is a goo one. Here is another one.
The Sunday Joke of the Day ☺️☺️☺️

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied,

?He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny.

?Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous.?

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued,

?And if that ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"