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Author Topic: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂  (Read 486 times)

Offline Ben Framed

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Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« on: September 10, 2020, 01:06:01 am »
Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke!
For this people's heart is waxed gross, and their ears are dull of hearing, and their eyes they have closed; lest at any time they should see with their eyes and hear with their ears, and should understand with their heart, and should be converted, and I should heal them.

Offline iddee

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #1 on: September 10, 2020, 06:08:37 am »
A Democrat took a bath??

NEW, CLEAN, and a JOKE??

 :cheesy:
"Listen to the mustn'ts, child. Listen to the don'ts. Listen to the shouldn'ts, the impossibles, the won'ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me . . . Anything can happen, child. Anything can be"

*Shel Silverstein*

Offline paus

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #2 on: September 10, 2020, 10:38:01 am »
how bout "told the truth"

Offline jimineycricket

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #3 on: September 10, 2020, 12:16:21 pm »
Iddee; I love your thinking!!
jimmy

Offline salvo

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #4 on: September 10, 2020, 10:13:49 pm »
What do you call a man with a rubber toe?





Roberto
Salvo

Offline The15thMember

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #5 on: September 10, 2020, 11:46:54 pm »
What do you call a man with a rubber toe?





Roberto
I laughed embarrassingly hard at this.  :embarassed:  :cheesy:  :cheesy:
I come from under the hill, and under the hills and over the hills my paths led.  And through the air, I am she that walks unseen.

Offline salvo

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #6 on: September 11, 2020, 03:24:25 pm »
Everybody knows one,... or two. Post 'em up. Let's have a laugh,... or a wince.

I'm sure we all know that the two "E"s are silent in the word BEE.
Salvo

Offline Geoff

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #7 on: September 13, 2020, 09:04:41 pm »
  What's a quiet Hawaiian laugh?                                                       



  Aloha. !  !
Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.

Offline Ben Framed

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #8 on: September 13, 2020, 10:14:34 pm »
  What's a quiet Hawaiian laugh?                                                       



  Aloha. !  !


👍🏻
                             :grin:     
For this people's heart is waxed gross, and their ears are dull of hearing, and their eyes they have closed; lest at any time they should see with their eyes and hear with their ears, and should understand with their heart, and should be converted, and I should heal them.

Online Ralphee

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #9 on: September 14, 2020, 03:35:50 am »
What do you call a  ---

Lady with one leg??  - Eileen

Man sitting under a cow??  - Pat

Man in a hole?? - Doug

Man lying in a bunch of dry leaves??  - Russell

Cow with no legs?  - Ground beef

Deer with no eyes?? - no idea!

Offline salvo

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #10 on: September 14, 2020, 09:31:01 pm »
What do you call a fish with no arms?




A fish
Salvo

Offline Geoff

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #11 on: September 15, 2020, 08:36:33 am »

   I took a picture of a field of wheat,    but it came out grainy  !  !
Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.

Offline iddee

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #12 on: September 15, 2020, 07:06:02 pm »
The lady approached a roadside sign that read "trucks entering highway". There were two semis pulling onto the road in front of her. She looked at her passenger and asked, "How did that sign know exactly when those trucks would be entering this road?"
"Listen to the mustn'ts, child. Listen to the don'ts. Listen to the shouldn'ts, the impossibles, the won'ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me . . . Anything can happen, child. Anything can be"

*Shel Silverstein*

Offline Michael Bush

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #13 on: September 16, 2020, 12:39:02 pm »
A pun, a play on words, and a limerick walk into a bar. No joke. (Apparently an anecdote and a double entendre were also in attendance)
My website:  bushfarms.com/bees.htm en espanol: bushfarms.com/es_bees.htm  auf deutsche: bushfarms.com/de_bees.htm  em portugues:  bushfarms.com/pt_bees.htm
My book:  ThePracticalBeekeeper.com
-------------------
"Everything works if you let it."--James "Big Boy" Medlin

Offline Michael Bush

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #14 on: September 16, 2020, 12:47:09 pm »
What do you get when you cross a riddle with a rhetorical question?
My website:  bushfarms.com/bees.htm en espanol: bushfarms.com/es_bees.htm  auf deutsche: bushfarms.com/de_bees.htm  em portugues:  bushfarms.com/pt_bees.htm
My book:  ThePracticalBeekeeper.com
-------------------
"Everything works if you let it."--James "Big Boy" Medlin

Offline Michael Bush

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #15 on: September 16, 2020, 12:47:54 pm »
Guy walks into a bar and sits at a table. Tells the waitress, "I'll have a Bloody Mary and a menu." When she returns with his drink, he asks "Still servin' breakfast?" When she says Yes, he replies, "Then I'll have two eggs-runny on top and burnt on the bottom, five strips of bacon-well done on one end and still raw on the other, two pieces of burnt toast and a cold cup of coffee." Indignantly the waitress says, "We don't serve that kinda stuff in here!" Guy says, "Funny... that's what I had in here yesterday..."
My website:  bushfarms.com/bees.htm en espanol: bushfarms.com/es_bees.htm  auf deutsche: bushfarms.com/de_bees.htm  em portugues:  bushfarms.com/pt_bees.htm
My book:  ThePracticalBeekeeper.com
-------------------
"Everything works if you let it."--James "Big Boy" Medlin

Offline Michael Bush

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #16 on: September 16, 2020, 01:04:33 pm »
Jean-Paul Sartre walks into a bar and orders a cup of coffee, with no cream. The bartender replies, I?m sorry, but we?re out of cream. How about with no milk?
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Rene Descartes walks into a bar and the bartender says "Martini?" and Descartes says "I think not!" and poof! He disappears.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Heisenberg was also sitting at the bar. After Descartes vanished in a puff of smoke, the bartender walked over to him and asked, "Did you see that?" Heisenberg replied, "I can't be certain."
---------------------------------------------------------------
The bartender then noticed Einstein was there. So he asked him if he could believe what had happened. Einstein replied, "It's all relative."
---------------------------------------------------------------
Carl Sagan was there. He walked over to him and asked, "Can you believe that all these famous people are here in THIS bar?" Sagan replied, "No. Why, there must be BILLIONS and BILLIONS of bars out there."
---------------------------------------------------------------
Meanwhile, Gustav Hertz was having such a great time, that he promised to return in the future at a much greater frequency.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Robert Boyle commented that he thought everyone was under too much pressure to come up with an answer to what was happening.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Erwin Schr?dinger tried to explain that in the absence of an observer, Descartes left but at the same time did not leave.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Alexander Volta disagreed stating there was a potential difference between his staying or going.
---------------------------------------------------------------
James Watt had had a bad day and said he had come in just to let off a little steam.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Charles Darwin was waiting to see what would evolve.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Thomas Edison stated that he found the whole thing illuminating.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Andre Ampere helped the bartender ascertain that all the statements were kept current.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Eli Whitney said, "I believe I will have another gin."
---------------------------------------------------------------
Sir Isaac Newton pondered the gravity of the situation.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Robert Goddard said the situation was not rocket science.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Archimedes didn't participate. He was out having a screw.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Georg Ohm, though he resisted answering, did provide a tasty treat for the crowd. Everyone loved Ohm's Slaw.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Max Karl Ernst Ludwig Planck thought it a constant drain of energy to contemplate the disappearance.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Gaston Plante thought Descartes should be put in a cell for battery.
---------------------------------------------------------------
William Sturgeon and Joseph Henry made a good gauss at where Descartes had gone.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Johann Salomo, Christoph Schweigger, and Jacques Arsene d'Arsonval were galvanized into instant action.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Both Mr. and Mrs. Curie thought that Descartes had a radiating personality, even after his disappearance.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Nicola Tesla re-coiled at the sight.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Werner Heisenberg, Kurt G?del, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says, "Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it?s funny or not?" G?del replies, "We can?t know that because we?re inside the joke." Chomsky says, "Of course it?s funny. You?re just telling it wrong."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A German walks into a bar and orders a martini.  The bartender says "Dry?" and the German says, "Nein, just one".
---------------------------------------------------------------
A Roman walks into a bar, sticks two fingers up to the barman and says, "Five beers please."
---------------------------------------------------------------
Julius Caesar walks into a bar. "I'll have a martinus," he says. The Bartender gives him a puzzled look and asks, "Don't you mean a martini'?" "Look," Caesar retorts, "If I wanted a double, I'd have asked for it!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
An infectious disease walks into a bar and the bartender says, "We don't serve infectious diseases here." And the infectious disease says, "Well you're not a very good host."
---------------------------------------------------------------
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve bacteria here." And the bacteria says, "But we work here. We're staph."
---------------------------------------------------------------
A man from North Carolina goes into a bar in New England. He asks the bartender, "Did you go to Harvard?" The bartender says, "Yale." The North Carolinan says, "DID YOU GO TO HARVARD?"
---------------------------------------------------------------
A polar bear, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"
---------------------------------------------------------------
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, "Olive or twist?"
My website:  bushfarms.com/bees.htm en espanol: bushfarms.com/es_bees.htm  auf deutsche: bushfarms.com/de_bees.htm  em portugues:  bushfarms.com/pt_bees.htm
My book:  ThePracticalBeekeeper.com
-------------------
"Everything works if you let it."--James "Big Boy" Medlin

Offline The15thMember

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #17 on: September 16, 2020, 02:05:33 pm »
Jean-Paul Sartre walks into a bar and orders a cup of coffee, with no cream. The bartender replies, I?m sorry, but we?re out of cream. How about with no milk?
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Rene Descartes walks into a bar and the bartender says "Martini?" and Descartes says "I think not!" and poof! He disappears.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Heisenberg was also sitting at the bar. After Descartes vanished in a puff of smoke, the bartender walked over to him and asked, "Did you see that?" Heisenberg replied, "I can't be certain."
---------------------------------------------------------------
The bartender then noticed Einstein was there. So he asked him if he could believe what had happened. Einstein replied, "It's all relative."
---------------------------------------------------------------
Carl Sagan was there. He walked over to him and asked, "Can you believe that all these famous people are here in THIS bar?" Sagan replied, "No. Why, there must be BILLIONS and BILLIONS of bars out there."
---------------------------------------------------------------
Meanwhile, Gustav Hertz was having such a great time, that he promised to return in the future at a much greater frequency.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Robert Boyle commented that he thought everyone was under too much pressure to come up with an answer to what was happening.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Erwin Schr?dinger tried to explain that in the absence of an observer, Descartes left but at the same time did not leave.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Alexander Volta disagreed stating there was a potential difference between his staying or going.
---------------------------------------------------------------
James Watt had had a bad day and said he had come in just to let off a little steam.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Charles Darwin was waiting to see what would evolve.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Thomas Edison stated that he found the whole thing illuminating.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Andre Ampere helped the bartender ascertain that all the statements were kept current.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Eli Whitney said, "I believe I will have another gin."
---------------------------------------------------------------
Sir Isaac Newton pondered the gravity of the situation.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Robert Goddard said the situation was not rocket science.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Archimedes didn't participate. He was out having a screw.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Georg Ohm, though he resisted answering, did provide a tasty treat for the crowd. Everyone loved Ohm's Slaw.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Max Karl Ernst Ludwig Planck thought it a constant drain of energy to contemplate the disappearance.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Gaston Plante thought Descartes should be put in a cell for battery.
---------------------------------------------------------------
William Sturgeon and Joseph Henry made a good gauss at where Descartes had gone.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Johann Salomo, Christoph Schweigger, and Jacques Arsene d'Arsonval were galvanized into instant action.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Both Mr. and Mrs. Curie thought that Descartes had a radiating personality, even after his disappearance.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Nicola Tesla re-coiled at the sight.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Oh, my gosh this whole thing is a riot!!  Ha!  Heisenberg. . . .  :cheesy:

---------------------------------------------------------------
Julius Caesar walks into a bar. "I'll have a martinus," he says. The Bartender gives him a puzzled look and asks, "Don't you mean a martini'?" "Look," Caesar retorts, "If I wanted a double, I'd have asked for it!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Okay, we do this all the time in our family.  It's not uncommon to hear us speak of a "macaronus", or the like.   :cheesy:

---------------------------------------------------------------
A Roman walks into a bar, sticks two fingers up to the barman and says, "Five beers please."
---------------------------------------------------------------
Oh gosh, this one too. . . !  :cheesy:

---------------------------------------------------------------
A man from North Carolina goes into a bar in New England. He asks the bartender, "Did you go to Harvard?" The bartender says, "Yale." The North Carolinan says, "DID YOU GO TO HARVARD?"
---------------------------------------------------------------
This happened to my Mom once for real.  We were going horseback riding, and the guide told her that her horse's name was "Bell", and she said, "Bale?  Like Christian Bale?"  And I said, "Mom, accent," and the guide said, "I don't go no accent, it's you that has the accent!"   :cheesy:

What do you get when you cross a riddle with a rhetorical question?
This one takes the cake though.   :cheesy: :cheesy:
I come from under the hill, and under the hills and over the hills my paths led.  And through the air, I am she that walks unseen.

Offline salvo

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #18 on: September 16, 2020, 10:31:13 pm »
Beekeepers can always be counted on to do the right thing,... after they've exhausted all other possibilities.
Salvo

Offline iddee

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #19 on: September 17, 2020, 05:09:12 am »
The Jewish Elbow


A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartment.  I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your
elbow, push button "301".  I will buzz you in.  Come inside, the elevator is on the right.  Get in, and with your elbow, push "3".
When you get out, I'm on the left.  With your elbow, hit my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?"

?What . . ... .. You're coming empty handed??
"Listen to the mustn'ts, child. Listen to the don'ts. Listen to the shouldn'ts, the impossibles, the won'ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me . . . Anything can happen, child. Anything can be"

*Shel Silverstein*