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Author Topic: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂  (Read 1096 times)

Offline Geoff

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #20 on: September 17, 2020, 07:40:26 pm »
   

   Nice job Michael, 20/10 for that !  !     :wink: :wink:
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Offline Geoff

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #21 on: September 17, 2020, 07:47:54 pm »
What do you get when you cross a riddle with a rhetorical question?

    Confused !  !
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Offline Michael Bush

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #22 on: September 17, 2020, 11:08:49 pm »
A man goes into a bar with a giraffe; they both get a couple of rounds in. When they get up to leave they're extremely drunk and the giraffe passes out and falls over. The man opens the door, about to leave by himself, when the bartender stops him suddenly and says, "Hey! You can't leave that lyin' there!" The man turns around and slurs, "Don't be silly, that's not a lion, that's a giraffe!"
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A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"
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A man walks into an English pub and orders a pint of Adenosine Triphosphate. The barman says "that will be 80p."
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A cable TV installer walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "You'll be served sometime between 7 and 2."
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Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first one replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
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C, E-flat and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.

D comes in and heads for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

E-Flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "you're looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development." Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural.

Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of D.S. without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.
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Two programmers walk into a foo.
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A SQL query walks into a bar and joins two tables...
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The bartender says "we don't serve time-travelers here". A time-traveler walks into a bar.
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A guy walks into a bar and says "is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?"
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A physicist, a mathematician and an engineer walk into a bar and the bar tender asks them what the volume is of a red rubber ball he has.

The physicist immersed the ball in a beaker full of water and measured the volume of the displaced fluid. The mathematician measured the diameter and calculated a triple integral. The engineer looked it up in his Red Rubber Ball Volume Table.
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A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5ft to the left, the chemist takes a shot and misses 5ft to the right, the statistician yells "We got ?em!"
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Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero?
He?s 0K now.
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The programmer?s wife tells him: "Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen."

The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
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An organic chemist, an analytical chemist, and a physical chemist are asked if a certain horse will win the race. The organic chemist asks what the horse has been eating and drugs given to it. The analytical chemist asks for the makeup of the track and mud. The physical chemist starts with "If we assume that the horse is a sphere..."
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An engineer, a chemist, and an economist are marooned on a desert island. They start to brainstorm a way off the island.
The engineer says, "we can lash together some branches and make a crude raft and try to make our way back to land somehow."
The chemist says, "with the right materials we could build a really smokey fire and try to signal a plane."
The economist says, "okay let?s assume we have a boat..."
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Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer, the bartender says, "Sorry, we don?t serve noble gases here." He doesn?t react.
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How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A fish.
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A man walked into a bar holding an alligator. He asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?" The bartender said, "Yes, we do!" "Good," replied the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my alligator."
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Heisenberg and Schrodinger are driving down the highway and get pulled over.  The cop says "Do you know how fast you were going?"  Heisenberg says "I have no idea" the cop says, 90mph!" and Heisenberg says "Great! Now I don't know where I am!".  The cop says he needs to search the car and Heisenberg agrees so he pops the trunk and the cop says "You know you have a dead cat in here!" and Schrodinger says "I do NOW!"
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My website:  bushfarms.com/bees.htm en espanol: bushfarms.com/es_bees.htm  auf deutsche: bushfarms.com/de_bees.htm  em portugues:  bushfarms.com/pt_bees.htm
My book:  ThePracticalBeekeeper.com
-------------------
"Everything works if you let it."--James "Big Boy" Medlin

Offline Michael Bush

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #23 on: September 19, 2020, 11:23:53 pm »
A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender, "Have you seen my brother?" The bartender asks, "I don't know, what does he look like?"
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A kangaroo walks into a bar. He orders a beer. The bartender says, "That'll be $10. You know, we don't get many kangaroos coming in here." The kangaroo says, "At $10 a beer, it's not hard to understand."
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An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans, walk into a bar. After scrutinizing the group, the bartender says "I'm sorry, but I can't let you come in here without a Thai."
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George R. R. Martin, Joss Whedon, and Steven Moffat walk into a bar and everyone you've ever loved dies.
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I woke up this morning, changed a light bulb walked across the street and into a bar and I realized, my whole life ...is a joke
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A man walks into a bar and orders ten times what everyone else is currently drinking.
The bartender exclaims: "Now, THAT'S an order of magnitude!"
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185 Lawyers walk into a bar.
Only 60% pass it.
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Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have a pint of blood."
The second one says, "I'll have one, too."
The third one says, "I'll have a pint of plasma."
The bartender says, "So, that'll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?"
My website:  bushfarms.com/bees.htm en espanol: bushfarms.com/es_bees.htm  auf deutsche: bushfarms.com/de_bees.htm  em portugues:  bushfarms.com/pt_bees.htm
My book:  ThePracticalBeekeeper.com
-------------------
"Everything works if you let it."--James "Big Boy" Medlin

Online The15thMember

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #24 on: September 19, 2020, 11:52:08 pm »
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George R. R. Martin, Joss Whedon, and Steven Moffat walk into a bar and everyone you've ever loved dies.
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This is the hardest I've laughed in several days.  Which is a big deal, since I laugh at everything.  :grin:  :cheesy:  :cheesy:
I come from under the hill, and under the hills and over the hills my paths led.  And through the air, I am she that walks unseen.

Offline salvo

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #25 on: September 20, 2020, 09:11:32 am »
Hi Folks,

So, yesterday a friend asked me if I had any plans for the fall.

It took me a minute to realize she meant autumn, not the collapse of civilization.

Sal
Salvo

Offline Michael Bush

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #26 on: September 23, 2020, 04:34:33 pm »
A horse walks into a bar. Several people immediately recognize the danger in the situation and leave.
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So a man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "hey, will you give me a free beer if I show you something amazing you've never seen before?"
The bartender says, "sure, but it'd better be good."
The man reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He sets the hamster down on the bar, and the hamster runs along the bar, jumps off the end, turns a somersault in midair and lands on the piano. He then proceeds to play the piano beautifully. The bartender says, "Wow! That was incredible! Have a beer."
The man finishes his beer and says to the bartender, "hey, if I show you something else amazing that you've never seen before, will you give me another free beer?"
"If it's as amazing as the hamster, sure," the bartender replies.
So the man reaches back into his coat pocket, and pulls out a frog. He sets the frog down on the bar, and the frog begins to sing beautifully. The bartender is again amazed, and gets the man another beer.
As the man is drinking his beer, another man rushes over and says "Holy bleep, a singing frog! I'll give you $200 for that frog."
The first man says "Deal!" and sells him the frog. The bartender walks over and says, "not that it's my business, but that was a singing frog, for heaven's sake. Why would you sell it for only $200? You could have made millions off of it."
The man says, "nah, don't worry. The hamster's also a ventriloquist."
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A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's steering-wheel attached to the front of his pants. The bartender says, "You know you got a ship's steering wheel stuck to the front of your pants?" The pirate says, "Aye and it's drivin' me nuts."
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A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. Bartender says "What's up with the paper towel?" The pirate says, "Aye...there's a bounty on me head!"
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Three logicians walk into a bar. The tender says, "Do all of you want a drink?
"I don't know," says the first logician.
"I don't know," says the second logician.
"Yes!" says the third one.
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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have a pint." The second asks for half a pint. The third asks for a quarter of a pint. The fourth one asks for an eighth of a pint... "Alright, you idiots," the bartender says, and he pours two pints and says "I hope you guys know your limits."
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My website:  bushfarms.com/bees.htm en espanol: bushfarms.com/es_bees.htm  auf deutsche: bushfarms.com/de_bees.htm  em portugues:  bushfarms.com/pt_bees.htm
My book:  ThePracticalBeekeeper.com
-------------------
"Everything works if you let it."--James "Big Boy" Medlin

Offline sawdstmakr

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #27 on: September 26, 2020, 05:33:51 pm »
The Saturday Joke of the Day 😂😂😂

Visiting the modern art museum, a lady turned to an attendant standing nearby.

"This," she said, "I suppose, is one of those hideous representations you call modern art?"

"No, Madam," replied the attendant. "That one's called a mirror."

Offline Ben Framed

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #28 on: September 26, 2020, 06:46:01 pm »
The Saturday Joke of the Day 😂😂😂

Visiting the modern art museum, a lady turned to an attendant standing nearby.

"This," she said, "I suppose, is one of those hideous representations you call modern art?"

"No, Madam," replied the attendant. "That one's called a mirror."


Jim I laughed out on this one!!!!  😂
Thanks!
For this people's heart is waxed gross, and their ears are dull of hearing, and their eyes they have closed; lest at any time they should see with their eyes and hear with their ears, and should understand with their heart, and should be converted, and I should heal them.

Offline Geoff

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #29 on: September 29, 2020, 07:12:21 am »
 
   Went to an antenna wedding the other day Michael, the ceremony was boring but the reception was great ! !
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Offline Geoff

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #30 on: October 01, 2020, 10:15:53 pm »
  It's hard to explain puns to a kleptomaniac because they always take things literally !  !

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Offline salvo

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #31 on: October 03, 2020, 09:53:45 am »
When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in the movie theater, he walked over and whispered "Sorry sir, but you are allowed only one seat."

The man moaned but didn't budge. "Sir," the usher said more loudly, "if you don't move, I'll have to call the manager."

The man moaned again but stayed where he was. The usher left and returned with the manager, who, after several attempts at dislodging the fellow, called the police.

The cop looked at the reclining man and said, "All right, what's your name, joker?" "Joe", he mumbled. "And where are you from, Joe?"

Joe responds painfully, "The balcony!"
Salvo

Offline sawdstmakr

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #32 on: October 03, 2020, 06:58:31 pm »

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor,

?I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said,

?I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun.?

?When he got to the Creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year-old said,

?I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."

The doctor replied,

?My point exactly."

Offline Michael Bush

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #33 on: October 04, 2020, 04:12:33 pm »
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A guy walks into a bar and sees a foot tall guy playing a small piano.  He orders a beer and asks about the old brass lamp on the bar.  The bartender says "it's a genie lamp.  You rub it and a genie pops out and you get a wish."  The guy says, "you're pulling my leg."  The bar tender says, "what do you have to lose?"  So the guy rubs the lamp and poof a genie pops out.  The genie asks what his wish is.  The guy says, "I want a barrel full of money."  poof!  the genie is gone and in the middle of the bar there is a barrel.  The guy goes over and pulls the plug out of the top of the barrel, shines a flashlight in and says "Hey!  This isn't a barrel of money it's a barrel of honey!"  And the bartender says "You think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?"
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A guy walks into a bar with a monkey.  The bartender says "You can't bring that monkey in here!" and the guy says, if you let me I'll buy a round of drinks for the whole bar.  So the bartender reluctantly says ok.  The monkey sits next to the guy and the guy drinks his beer.  The monkey gets bored and walks over to the pool table, picks up the que ball and swallows it.  The bartender starts yelling and kicks the guy out.  A few days later the guy comes back to the bar with the monkey again and the bar tender says he's not welcome.  The guy says, "I brought back you que ball. I disinfected it for you it nice and clean."  The bartender says "ok you can bring the monkey in but keep him under control!"  The guy sits at the bar and orders a beer.  He pulls a small bunch of grapes out of his pocket and gives it to the monkey.  The monkey picks a grape, puts it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.  He repeats this for every grape.  After a while the bartender says, you need to leave.  That monkey is disgusting and it's grossing out my customers.  Why in the world does he do that!?"  The guy says, "every since he swallowed that que ball he checks everything to make sure it fits."
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A dyslexic guy walks into a bra.
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A mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender says we don't serve mushrooms.  The mushroom says "why not?  I'm a fun guy."
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A pair of jumper cables walks into a bar and the bartender says "you guys are always trouble"  The jumper cables say "we'll behave" and the bartender says "ok, but don't start anything."
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Two peanuts walked into a bar and one of them was a salted.
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A guy walks in the front door of a bar, obviously drunk, and orders a whiskey.  The bartender says "you're obviously drunk, I'm not allowed to serve you."  The guy walks out and comes in the alley door.  He orders a whiskey and the bartender refused to serve him.  He stomps out and walks in the side door of the bar and again the bartender refuses to serve him.  The guy looks very confused and says "how many bars do you work at!"
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A guy walks into a bar and sits down and orders a beer.  A beautiful young lady sits down next to him and starts a conversation with him.  The guy is enjoying it and buys her a drink.  Suddenly in the middle of the conversation the girl yells "TO A MOTEL!"  The guy is very taken aback and turns his back to her and keeps nursing his beer.  She again attempts to have a conversation and as soon as he responds she again yells "TO A MOTEL!"  The guy gets up and walks to a table with his beer and the girl follows him over.  He says "why are you doing this!" and she says, "I'm a psychology major and I'm doing my Master's thesis on how people react to embarrassing situations."  And the guy yells "A HUNDRED DOLLARS!!!!".
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My website:  bushfarms.com/bees.htm en espanol: bushfarms.com/es_bees.htm  auf deutsche: bushfarms.com/de_bees.htm  em portugues:  bushfarms.com/pt_bees.htm
My book:  ThePracticalBeekeeper.com
-------------------
"Everything works if you let it."--James "Big Boy" Medlin

Offline sawdstmakr

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #34 on: October 11, 2020, 10:32:16 am »
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those." 😂😂

Offline Ben Framed

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #35 on: October 12, 2020, 04:07:16 am »
Awesome! Problems and obstacles easily solved! Amazing what these things can do! lol! 😂😂 Another good one!  lol
For this people's heart is waxed gross, and their ears are dull of hearing, and their eyes they have closed; lest at any time they should see with their eyes and hear with their ears, and should understand with their heart, and should be converted, and I should heal them.

Offline salvo

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #36 on: October 12, 2020, 09:25:32 am »
Do you know a quick way to tell the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer?



One of them will taste different.
Salvo

Offline Ben Framed

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #37 on: October 12, 2020, 09:14:04 pm »
Good grief Sal! What are you trying to do? I'll have you know I was eating dinner when I read this! :oops: Thanks a lot!   lol.  Goodness!!   :tongue:  :cheesy:
« Last Edit: October 13, 2020, 05:36:16 am by Ben Framed »
For this people's heart is waxed gross, and their ears are dull of hearing, and their eyes they have closed; lest at any time they should see with their eyes and hear with their ears, and should understand with their heart, and should be converted, and I should heal them.

Offline salvo

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #38 on: October 25, 2020, 11:03:44 pm »
 My daughter woke me up at 2am. ?Daddy? she said tugging at my pajama sleeve ?guess how old I will be next week?? I replied ?how old sweetie?? She smiled and held up 4 fingers.

It?s almost 8am. I?ve been awake for 6 hours. She still won?t tell me where she got the fingers.


Happy Halloween
Salvo