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Author Topic: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂  (Read 1016 times)

Offline Ben Framed

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Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« on: September 10, 2020, 01:06:01 am »
Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke!
For this people's heart is waxed gross, and their ears are dull of hearing, and their eyes they have closed; lest at any time they should see with their eyes and hear with their ears, and should understand with their heart, and should be converted, and I should heal them.

Offline iddee

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #1 on: September 10, 2020, 06:08:37 am »
A Democrat took a bath??

NEW, CLEAN, and a JOKE??

 :cheesy:
"Listen to the mustn'ts, child. Listen to the don'ts. Listen to the shouldn'ts, the impossibles, the won'ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me . . . Anything can happen, child. Anything can be"

*Shel Silverstein*

Offline paus

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #2 on: September 10, 2020, 10:38:01 am »
how bout "told the truth"

Offline jimineycricket

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #3 on: September 10, 2020, 12:16:21 pm »
Iddee; I love your thinking!!
jimmy

Offline salvo

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #4 on: September 10, 2020, 10:13:49 pm »
What do you call a man with a rubber toe?





Roberto
Salvo

Offline The15thMember

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #5 on: September 10, 2020, 11:46:54 pm »
What do you call a man with a rubber toe?





Roberto
I laughed embarrassingly hard at this.  :embarassed:  :cheesy:  :cheesy:
I come from under the hill, and under the hills and over the hills my paths led.  And through the air, I am she that walks unseen.

Offline salvo

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #6 on: September 11, 2020, 03:24:25 pm »
Everybody knows one,... or two. Post 'em up. Let's have a laugh,... or a wince.

I'm sure we all know that the two "E"s are silent in the word BEE.
Salvo

Offline Geoff

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #7 on: September 13, 2020, 09:04:41 pm »
  What's a quiet Hawaiian laugh?                                                       



  Aloha. !  !
Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.

Offline Ben Framed

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #8 on: September 13, 2020, 10:14:34 pm »
  What's a quiet Hawaiian laugh?                                                       



  Aloha. !  !


👍🏻
                             :grin:     
For this people's heart is waxed gross, and their ears are dull of hearing, and their eyes they have closed; lest at any time they should see with their eyes and hear with their ears, and should understand with their heart, and should be converted, and I should heal them.

Offline Ralphee

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #9 on: September 14, 2020, 03:35:50 am »
What do you call a  ---

Lady with one leg??  - Eileen

Man sitting under a cow??  - Pat

Man in a hole?? - Doug

Man lying in a bunch of dry leaves??  - Russell

Cow with no legs?  - Ground beef

Deer with no eyes?? - no idea!

Offline salvo

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #10 on: September 14, 2020, 09:31:01 pm »
What do you call a fish with no arms?




A fish
Salvo

Offline Geoff

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #11 on: September 15, 2020, 08:36:33 am »

   I took a picture of a field of wheat,    but it came out grainy  !  !
Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.

Offline iddee

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #12 on: September 15, 2020, 07:06:02 pm »
The lady approached a roadside sign that read "trucks entering highway". There were two semis pulling onto the road in front of her. She looked at her passenger and asked, "How did that sign know exactly when those trucks would be entering this road?"
"Listen to the mustn'ts, child. Listen to the don'ts. Listen to the shouldn'ts, the impossibles, the won'ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me . . . Anything can happen, child. Anything can be"

*Shel Silverstein*

Offline Michael Bush

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #13 on: September 16, 2020, 12:39:02 pm »
A pun, a play on words, and a limerick walk into a bar. No joke. (Apparently an anecdote and a double entendre were also in attendance)
My website:  bushfarms.com/bees.htm en espanol: bushfarms.com/es_bees.htm  auf deutsche: bushfarms.com/de_bees.htm  em portugues:  bushfarms.com/pt_bees.htm
My book:  ThePracticalBeekeeper.com
-------------------
"Everything works if you let it."--James "Big Boy" Medlin

Offline Michael Bush

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #14 on: September 16, 2020, 12:47:09 pm »
What do you get when you cross a riddle with a rhetorical question?
My website:  bushfarms.com/bees.htm en espanol: bushfarms.com/es_bees.htm  auf deutsche: bushfarms.com/de_bees.htm  em portugues:  bushfarms.com/pt_bees.htm
My book:  ThePracticalBeekeeper.com
-------------------
"Everything works if you let it."--James "Big Boy" Medlin

Offline Michael Bush

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #15 on: September 16, 2020, 12:47:54 pm »
Guy walks into a bar and sits at a table. Tells the waitress, "I'll have a Bloody Mary and a menu." When she returns with his drink, he asks "Still servin' breakfast?" When she says Yes, he replies, "Then I'll have two eggs-runny on top and burnt on the bottom, five strips of bacon-well done on one end and still raw on the other, two pieces of burnt toast and a cold cup of coffee." Indignantly the waitress says, "We don't serve that kinda stuff in here!" Guy says, "Funny... that's what I had in here yesterday..."
My website:  bushfarms.com/bees.htm en espanol: bushfarms.com/es_bees.htm  auf deutsche: bushfarms.com/de_bees.htm  em portugues:  bushfarms.com/pt_bees.htm
My book:  ThePracticalBeekeeper.com
-------------------
"Everything works if you let it."--James "Big Boy" Medlin

Offline Michael Bush

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #16 on: September 16, 2020, 01:04:33 pm »
Jean-Paul Sartre walks into a bar and orders a cup of coffee, with no cream. The bartender replies, I?m sorry, but we?re out of cream. How about with no milk?
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Rene Descartes walks into a bar and the bartender says "Martini?" and Descartes says "I think not!" and poof! He disappears.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Heisenberg was also sitting at the bar. After Descartes vanished in a puff of smoke, the bartender walked over to him and asked, "Did you see that?" Heisenberg replied, "I can't be certain."
---------------------------------------------------------------
The bartender then noticed Einstein was there. So he asked him if he could believe what had happened. Einstein replied, "It's all relative."
---------------------------------------------------------------
Carl Sagan was there. He walked over to him and asked, "Can you believe that all these famous people are here in THIS bar?" Sagan replied, "No. Why, there must be BILLIONS and BILLIONS of bars out there."
---------------------------------------------------------------
Meanwhile, Gustav Hertz was having such a great time, that he promised to return in the future at a much greater frequency.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Robert Boyle commented that he thought everyone was under too much pressure to come up with an answer to what was happening.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Erwin Schr?dinger tried to explain that in the absence of an observer, Descartes left but at the same time did not leave.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Alexander Volta disagreed stating there was a potential difference between his staying or going.
---------------------------------------------------------------
James Watt had had a bad day and said he had come in just to let off a little steam.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Charles Darwin was waiting to see what would evolve.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Thomas Edison stated that he found the whole thing illuminating.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Andre Ampere helped the bartender ascertain that all the statements were kept current.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Eli Whitney said, "I believe I will have another gin."
---------------------------------------------------------------
Sir Isaac Newton pondered the gravity of the situation.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Robert Goddard said the situation was not rocket science.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Archimedes didn't participate. He was out having a screw.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Georg Ohm, though he resisted answering, did provide a tasty treat for the crowd. Everyone loved Ohm's Slaw.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Max Karl Ernst Ludwig Planck thought it a constant drain of energy to contemplate the disappearance.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Gaston Plante thought Descartes should be put in a cell for battery.
---------------------------------------------------------------
William Sturgeon and Joseph Henry made a good gauss at where Descartes had gone.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Johann Salomo, Christoph Schweigger, and Jacques Arsene d'Arsonval were galvanized into instant action.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Both Mr. and Mrs. Curie thought that Descartes had a radiating personality, even after his disappearance.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Nicola Tesla re-coiled at the sight.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Werner Heisenberg, Kurt G?del, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says, "Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it?s funny or not?" G?del replies, "We can?t know that because we?re inside the joke." Chomsky says, "Of course it?s funny. You?re just telling it wrong."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A German walks into a bar and orders a martini.  The bartender says "Dry?" and the German says, "Nein, just one".
---------------------------------------------------------------
A Roman walks into a bar, sticks two fingers up to the barman and says, "Five beers please."
---------------------------------------------------------------
Julius Caesar walks into a bar. "I'll have a martinus," he says. The Bartender gives him a puzzled look and asks, "Don't you mean a martini'?" "Look," Caesar retorts, "If I wanted a double, I'd have asked for it!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
An infectious disease walks into a bar and the bartender says, "We don't serve infectious diseases here." And the infectious disease says, "Well you're not a very good host."
---------------------------------------------------------------
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve bacteria here." And the bacteria says, "But we work here. We're staph."
---------------------------------------------------------------
A man from North Carolina goes into a bar in New England. He asks the bartender, "Did you go to Harvard?" The bartender says, "Yale." The North Carolinan says, "DID YOU GO TO HARVARD?"
---------------------------------------------------------------
A polar bear, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"
---------------------------------------------------------------
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, "Olive or twist?"
My website:  bushfarms.com/bees.htm en espanol: bushfarms.com/es_bees.htm  auf deutsche: bushfarms.com/de_bees.htm  em portugues:  bushfarms.com/pt_bees.htm
My book:  ThePracticalBeekeeper.com
-------------------
"Everything works if you let it."--James "Big Boy" Medlin

Offline The15thMember

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #17 on: September 16, 2020, 02:05:33 pm »
Jean-Paul Sartre walks into a bar and orders a cup of coffee, with no cream. The bartender replies, I?m sorry, but we?re out of cream. How about with no milk?
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Rene Descartes walks into a bar and the bartender says "Martini?" and Descartes says "I think not!" and poof! He disappears.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Heisenberg was also sitting at the bar. After Descartes vanished in a puff of smoke, the bartender walked over to him and asked, "Did you see that?" Heisenberg replied, "I can't be certain."
---------------------------------------------------------------
The bartender then noticed Einstein was there. So he asked him if he could believe what had happened. Einstein replied, "It's all relative."
---------------------------------------------------------------
Carl Sagan was there. He walked over to him and asked, "Can you believe that all these famous people are here in THIS bar?" Sagan replied, "No. Why, there must be BILLIONS and BILLIONS of bars out there."
---------------------------------------------------------------
Meanwhile, Gustav Hertz was having such a great time, that he promised to return in the future at a much greater frequency.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Robert Boyle commented that he thought everyone was under too much pressure to come up with an answer to what was happening.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Erwin Schr?dinger tried to explain that in the absence of an observer, Descartes left but at the same time did not leave.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Alexander Volta disagreed stating there was a potential difference between his staying or going.
---------------------------------------------------------------
James Watt had had a bad day and said he had come in just to let off a little steam.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Charles Darwin was waiting to see what would evolve.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Thomas Edison stated that he found the whole thing illuminating.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Andre Ampere helped the bartender ascertain that all the statements were kept current.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Eli Whitney said, "I believe I will have another gin."
---------------------------------------------------------------
Sir Isaac Newton pondered the gravity of the situation.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Robert Goddard said the situation was not rocket science.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Archimedes didn't participate. He was out having a screw.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Georg Ohm, though he resisted answering, did provide a tasty treat for the crowd. Everyone loved Ohm's Slaw.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Max Karl Ernst Ludwig Planck thought it a constant drain of energy to contemplate the disappearance.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Gaston Plante thought Descartes should be put in a cell for battery.
---------------------------------------------------------------
William Sturgeon and Joseph Henry made a good gauss at where Descartes had gone.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Johann Salomo, Christoph Schweigger, and Jacques Arsene d'Arsonval were galvanized into instant action.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Both Mr. and Mrs. Curie thought that Descartes had a radiating personality, even after his disappearance.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Nicola Tesla re-coiled at the sight.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Oh, my gosh this whole thing is a riot!!  Ha!  Heisenberg. . . .  :cheesy:

---------------------------------------------------------------
Julius Caesar walks into a bar. "I'll have a martinus," he says. The Bartender gives him a puzzled look and asks, "Don't you mean a martini'?" "Look," Caesar retorts, "If I wanted a double, I'd have asked for it!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Okay, we do this all the time in our family.  It's not uncommon to hear us speak of a "macaronus", or the like.   :cheesy:

---------------------------------------------------------------
A Roman walks into a bar, sticks two fingers up to the barman and says, "Five beers please."
---------------------------------------------------------------
Oh gosh, this one too. . . !  :cheesy:

---------------------------------------------------------------
A man from North Carolina goes into a bar in New England. He asks the bartender, "Did you go to Harvard?" The bartender says, "Yale." The North Carolinan says, "DID YOU GO TO HARVARD?"
---------------------------------------------------------------
This happened to my Mom once for real.  We were going horseback riding, and the guide told her that her horse's name was "Bell", and she said, "Bale?  Like Christian Bale?"  And I said, "Mom, accent," and the guide said, "I don't go no accent, it's you that has the accent!"   :cheesy:

What do you get when you cross a riddle with a rhetorical question?
This one takes the cake though.   :cheesy: :cheesy:
I come from under the hill, and under the hills and over the hills my paths led.  And through the air, I am she that walks unseen.

Offline salvo

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #18 on: September 16, 2020, 10:31:13 pm »
Beekeepers can always be counted on to do the right thing,... after they've exhausted all other possibilities.
Salvo

Offline iddee

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #19 on: September 17, 2020, 05:09:12 am »
The Jewish Elbow


A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartment.  I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your
elbow, push button "301".  I will buzz you in.  Come inside, the elevator is on the right.  Get in, and with your elbow, push "3".
When you get out, I'm on the left.  With your elbow, hit my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?"

?What . . ... .. You're coming empty handed??
"Listen to the mustn'ts, child. Listen to the don'ts. Listen to the shouldn'ts, the impossibles, the won'ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me . . . Anything can happen, child. Anything can be"

*Shel Silverstein*

Offline Geoff

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #20 on: September 17, 2020, 07:40:26 pm »
   

   Nice job Michael, 20/10 for that !  !     :wink: :wink:
Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.

Offline Geoff

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #21 on: September 17, 2020, 07:47:54 pm »
What do you get when you cross a riddle with a rhetorical question?

    Confused !  !
Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.

Offline Michael Bush

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #22 on: September 17, 2020, 11:08:49 pm »
A man goes into a bar with a giraffe; they both get a couple of rounds in. When they get up to leave they're extremely drunk and the giraffe passes out and falls over. The man opens the door, about to leave by himself, when the bartender stops him suddenly and says, "Hey! You can't leave that lyin' there!" The man turns around and slurs, "Don't be silly, that's not a lion, that's a giraffe!"
----------------------------------------------------------------
A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into an English pub and orders a pint of Adenosine Triphosphate. The barman says "that will be 80p."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
A cable TV installer walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "You'll be served sometime between 7 and 2."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first one replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
C, E-flat and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.

D comes in and heads for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

E-Flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "you're looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development." Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural.

Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of D.S. without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Two programmers walk into a foo.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A SQL query walks into a bar and joins two tables...
--------------------------------------------------------------------
The bartender says "we don't serve time-travelers here". A time-traveler walks into a bar.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy walks into a bar and says "is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A physicist, a mathematician and an engineer walk into a bar and the bar tender asks them what the volume is of a red rubber ball he has.

The physicist immersed the ball in a beaker full of water and measured the volume of the displaced fluid. The mathematician measured the diameter and calculated a triple integral. The engineer looked it up in his Red Rubber Ball Volume Table.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5ft to the left, the chemist takes a shot and misses 5ft to the right, the statistician yells "We got ?em!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero?
He?s 0K now.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
The programmer?s wife tells him: "Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen."

The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
An organic chemist, an analytical chemist, and a physical chemist are asked if a certain horse will win the race. The organic chemist asks what the horse has been eating and drugs given to it. The analytical chemist asks for the makeup of the track and mud. The physical chemist starts with "If we assume that the horse is a sphere..."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
An engineer, a chemist, and an economist are marooned on a desert island. They start to brainstorm a way off the island.
The engineer says, "we can lash together some branches and make a crude raft and try to make our way back to land somehow."
The chemist says, "with the right materials we could build a really smokey fire and try to signal a plane."
The economist says, "okay let?s assume we have a boat..."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer, the bartender says, "Sorry, we don?t serve noble gases here." He doesn?t react.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A fish.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walked into a bar holding an alligator. He asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?" The bartender said, "Yes, we do!" "Good," replied the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my alligator."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Heisenberg and Schrodinger are driving down the highway and get pulled over.  The cop says "Do you know how fast you were going?"  Heisenberg says "I have no idea" the cop says, 90mph!" and Heisenberg says "Great! Now I don't know where I am!".  The cop says he needs to search the car and Heisenberg agrees so he pops the trunk and the cop says "You know you have a dead cat in here!" and Schrodinger says "I do NOW!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
My website:  bushfarms.com/bees.htm en espanol: bushfarms.com/es_bees.htm  auf deutsche: bushfarms.com/de_bees.htm  em portugues:  bushfarms.com/pt_bees.htm
My book:  ThePracticalBeekeeper.com
-------------------
"Everything works if you let it."--James "Big Boy" Medlin

Offline Michael Bush

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #23 on: September 19, 2020, 11:23:53 pm »
A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender, "Have you seen my brother?" The bartender asks, "I don't know, what does he look like?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A kangaroo walks into a bar. He orders a beer. The bartender says, "That'll be $10. You know, we don't get many kangaroos coming in here." The kangaroo says, "At $10 a beer, it's not hard to understand."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans, walk into a bar. After scrutinizing the group, the bartender says "I'm sorry, but I can't let you come in here without a Thai."
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George R. R. Martin, Joss Whedon, and Steven Moffat walk into a bar and everyone you've ever loved dies.
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I woke up this morning, changed a light bulb walked across the street and into a bar and I realized, my whole life ...is a joke
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A man walks into a bar and orders ten times what everyone else is currently drinking.
The bartender exclaims: "Now, THAT'S an order of magnitude!"
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185 Lawyers walk into a bar.
Only 60% pass it.
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Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have a pint of blood."
The second one says, "I'll have one, too."
The third one says, "I'll have a pint of plasma."
The bartender says, "So, that'll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?"
My website:  bushfarms.com/bees.htm en espanol: bushfarms.com/es_bees.htm  auf deutsche: bushfarms.com/de_bees.htm  em portugues:  bushfarms.com/pt_bees.htm
My book:  ThePracticalBeekeeper.com
-------------------
"Everything works if you let it."--James "Big Boy" Medlin

Offline The15thMember

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #24 on: September 19, 2020, 11:52:08 pm »
---------------------------------------------------------------------
George R. R. Martin, Joss Whedon, and Steven Moffat walk into a bar and everyone you've ever loved dies.
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This is the hardest I've laughed in several days.  Which is a big deal, since I laugh at everything.  :grin:  :cheesy:  :cheesy:
I come from under the hill, and under the hills and over the hills my paths led.  And through the air, I am she that walks unseen.

Offline salvo

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #25 on: September 20, 2020, 09:11:32 am »
Hi Folks,

So, yesterday a friend asked me if I had any plans for the fall.

It took me a minute to realize she meant autumn, not the collapse of civilization.

Sal
Salvo

Offline Michael Bush

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #26 on: September 23, 2020, 04:34:33 pm »
A horse walks into a bar. Several people immediately recognize the danger in the situation and leave.
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So a man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "hey, will you give me a free beer if I show you something amazing you've never seen before?"
The bartender says, "sure, but it'd better be good."
The man reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He sets the hamster down on the bar, and the hamster runs along the bar, jumps off the end, turns a somersault in midair and lands on the piano. He then proceeds to play the piano beautifully. The bartender says, "Wow! That was incredible! Have a beer."
The man finishes his beer and says to the bartender, "hey, if I show you something else amazing that you've never seen before, will you give me another free beer?"
"If it's as amazing as the hamster, sure," the bartender replies.
So the man reaches back into his coat pocket, and pulls out a frog. He sets the frog down on the bar, and the frog begins to sing beautifully. The bartender is again amazed, and gets the man another beer.
As the man is drinking his beer, another man rushes over and says "Holy bleep, a singing frog! I'll give you $200 for that frog."
The first man says "Deal!" and sells him the frog. The bartender walks over and says, "not that it's my business, but that was a singing frog, for heaven's sake. Why would you sell it for only $200? You could have made millions off of it."
The man says, "nah, don't worry. The hamster's also a ventriloquist."
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A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's steering-wheel attached to the front of his pants. The bartender says, "You know you got a ship's steering wheel stuck to the front of your pants?" The pirate says, "Aye and it's drivin' me nuts."
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A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. Bartender says "What's up with the paper towel?" The pirate says, "Aye...there's a bounty on me head!"
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Three logicians walk into a bar. The tender says, "Do all of you want a drink?
"I don't know," says the first logician.
"I don't know," says the second logician.
"Yes!" says the third one.
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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have a pint." The second asks for half a pint. The third asks for a quarter of a pint. The fourth one asks for an eighth of a pint... "Alright, you idiots," the bartender says, and he pours two pints and says "I hope you guys know your limits."
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My website:  bushfarms.com/bees.htm en espanol: bushfarms.com/es_bees.htm  auf deutsche: bushfarms.com/de_bees.htm  em portugues:  bushfarms.com/pt_bees.htm
My book:  ThePracticalBeekeeper.com
-------------------
"Everything works if you let it."--James "Big Boy" Medlin

Offline sawdstmakr

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #27 on: September 26, 2020, 05:33:51 pm »
The Saturday Joke of the Day 😂😂😂

Visiting the modern art museum, a lady turned to an attendant standing nearby.

"This," she said, "I suppose, is one of those hideous representations you call modern art?"

"No, Madam," replied the attendant. "That one's called a mirror."

Offline Ben Framed

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #28 on: September 26, 2020, 06:46:01 pm »
The Saturday Joke of the Day 😂😂😂

Visiting the modern art museum, a lady turned to an attendant standing nearby.

"This," she said, "I suppose, is one of those hideous representations you call modern art?"

"No, Madam," replied the attendant. "That one's called a mirror."


Jim I laughed out on this one!!!!  😂
Thanks!
For this people's heart is waxed gross, and their ears are dull of hearing, and their eyes they have closed; lest at any time they should see with their eyes and hear with their ears, and should understand with their heart, and should be converted, and I should heal them.

Offline Geoff

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #29 on: September 29, 2020, 07:12:21 am »
 
   Went to an antenna wedding the other day Michael, the ceremony was boring but the reception was great ! !
Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.

Offline Geoff

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #30 on: October 01, 2020, 10:15:53 pm »
  It's hard to explain puns to a kleptomaniac because they always take things literally !  !

Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.

Offline salvo

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #31 on: October 03, 2020, 09:53:45 am »
When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in the movie theater, he walked over and whispered "Sorry sir, but you are allowed only one seat."

The man moaned but didn't budge. "Sir," the usher said more loudly, "if you don't move, I'll have to call the manager."

The man moaned again but stayed where he was. The usher left and returned with the manager, who, after several attempts at dislodging the fellow, called the police.

The cop looked at the reclining man and said, "All right, what's your name, joker?" "Joe", he mumbled. "And where are you from, Joe?"

Joe responds painfully, "The balcony!"
Salvo

Offline sawdstmakr

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #32 on: October 03, 2020, 06:58:31 pm »

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor,

?I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said,

?I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun.?

?When he got to the Creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year-old said,

?I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."

The doctor replied,

?My point exactly."

Offline Michael Bush

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #33 on: October 04, 2020, 04:12:33 pm »
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A guy walks into a bar and sees a foot tall guy playing a small piano.  He orders a beer and asks about the old brass lamp on the bar.  The bartender says "it's a genie lamp.  You rub it and a genie pops out and you get a wish."  The guy says, "you're pulling my leg."  The bar tender says, "what do you have to lose?"  So the guy rubs the lamp and poof a genie pops out.  The genie asks what his wish is.  The guy says, "I want a barrel full of money."  poof!  the genie is gone and in the middle of the bar there is a barrel.  The guy goes over and pulls the plug out of the top of the barrel, shines a flashlight in and says "Hey!  This isn't a barrel of money it's a barrel of honey!"  And the bartender says "You think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?"
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A guy walks into a bar with a monkey.  The bartender says "You can't bring that monkey in here!" and the guy says, if you let me I'll buy a round of drinks for the whole bar.  So the bartender reluctantly says ok.  The monkey sits next to the guy and the guy drinks his beer.  The monkey gets bored and walks over to the pool table, picks up the que ball and swallows it.  The bartender starts yelling and kicks the guy out.  A few days later the guy comes back to the bar with the monkey again and the bar tender says he's not welcome.  The guy says, "I brought back you que ball. I disinfected it for you it nice and clean."  The bartender says "ok you can bring the monkey in but keep him under control!"  The guy sits at the bar and orders a beer.  He pulls a small bunch of grapes out of his pocket and gives it to the monkey.  The monkey picks a grape, puts it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.  He repeats this for every grape.  After a while the bartender says, you need to leave.  That monkey is disgusting and it's grossing out my customers.  Why in the world does he do that!?"  The guy says, "every since he swallowed that que ball he checks everything to make sure it fits."
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A dyslexic guy walks into a bra.
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A mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender says we don't serve mushrooms.  The mushroom says "why not?  I'm a fun guy."
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A pair of jumper cables walks into a bar and the bartender says "you guys are always trouble"  The jumper cables say "we'll behave" and the bartender says "ok, but don't start anything."
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Two peanuts walked into a bar and one of them was a salted.
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A guy walks in the front door of a bar, obviously drunk, and orders a whiskey.  The bartender says "you're obviously drunk, I'm not allowed to serve you."  The guy walks out and comes in the alley door.  He orders a whiskey and the bartender refused to serve him.  He stomps out and walks in the side door of the bar and again the bartender refuses to serve him.  The guy looks very confused and says "how many bars do you work at!"
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A guy walks into a bar and sits down and orders a beer.  A beautiful young lady sits down next to him and starts a conversation with him.  The guy is enjoying it and buys her a drink.  Suddenly in the middle of the conversation the girl yells "TO A MOTEL!"  The guy is very taken aback and turns his back to her and keeps nursing his beer.  She again attempts to have a conversation and as soon as he responds she again yells "TO A MOTEL!"  The guy gets up and walks to a table with his beer and the girl follows him over.  He says "why are you doing this!" and she says, "I'm a psychology major and I'm doing my Master's thesis on how people react to embarrassing situations."  And the guy yells "A HUNDRED DOLLARS!!!!".
---------------------------------------------
My website:  bushfarms.com/bees.htm en espanol: bushfarms.com/es_bees.htm  auf deutsche: bushfarms.com/de_bees.htm  em portugues:  bushfarms.com/pt_bees.htm
My book:  ThePracticalBeekeeper.com
-------------------
"Everything works if you let it."--James "Big Boy" Medlin

Offline sawdstmakr

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #34 on: October 11, 2020, 10:32:16 am »
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those." 😂😂

Offline Ben Framed

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #35 on: October 12, 2020, 04:07:16 am »
Awesome! Problems and obstacles easily solved! Amazing what these things can do! lol! 😂😂 Another good one!  lol
For this people's heart is waxed gross, and their ears are dull of hearing, and their eyes they have closed; lest at any time they should see with their eyes and hear with their ears, and should understand with their heart, and should be converted, and I should heal them.

Offline salvo

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #36 on: October 12, 2020, 09:25:32 am »
Do you know a quick way to tell the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer?



One of them will taste different.
Salvo

Offline Ben Framed

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #37 on: October 12, 2020, 09:14:04 pm »
Good grief Sal! What are you trying to do? I'll have you know I was eating dinner when I read this! :oops: Thanks a lot!   lol.  Goodness!!   :tongue:  :cheesy:
« Last Edit: October 13, 2020, 05:36:16 am by Ben Framed »
For this people's heart is waxed gross, and their ears are dull of hearing, and their eyes they have closed; lest at any time they should see with their eyes and hear with their ears, and should understand with their heart, and should be converted, and I should heal them.