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Author Topic: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂  (Read 5247 times)

Offline FloridaGardener

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #40 on: November 07, 2020, 05:45:55 pm »
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Offline salvo

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #41 on: November 07, 2020, 09:32:43 pm »
Hi Folks,

Give a man a duck,... and he^ll live for a day.

Teach a man to duck,... and he won^t walk into bars!


Salvo

Offline BeeMaster2

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #42 on: November 08, 2020, 07:16:57 am »

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!" The pastor fainted.

Offline salvo

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #43 on: November 10, 2020, 11:19:35 pm »
Hi Folks,

What is the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

Well. A hippo is a great big heavy animal.

A zippo is a little lighter.

Sal
Salvo

Offline salvo

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #44 on: November 14, 2020, 08:18:38 am »
Hi Folks,

All right. You've seen the hippo/zippo....

Well riddle me this!

What is the difference between light and hard?

Sal
Salvo

Offline Michael Bush

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #45 on: November 16, 2020, 02:48:23 pm »
What is the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?

One is a scum sucking bottom feeder.
The other one is a fish.
My website:  bushfarms.com/bees.htm en espanol: bushfarms.com/es_bees.htm  auf deutsche: bushfarms.com/de_bees.htm  em portugues:  bushfarms.com/pt_bees.htm
My book:  ThePracticalBeekeeper.com
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"Everything works if you let it."--James "Big Boy" Medlin

Offline iddee

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #46 on: November 16, 2020, 06:54:25 pm »
Biden asked a 10 y/o boy if he wanted to talk about the presidency. The boy replied, I have a question for you. If a goat, a cow, and a horse eat the same grass from the same pasture, why does a cow feces make a patty, a horse feces the size of apples, and the goat feces like beans?
Biden said he really didn't know that one.

The boy then asked, "How do you expect to run the greatest country the world has ever known, if you don't know crap?
« Last Edit: November 16, 2020, 07:32:03 pm by sawdstmakr »
"Listen to the mustn'ts, child. Listen to the don'ts. Listen to the shouldn'ts, the impossibles, the won'ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me . . . Anything can happen, child. Anything can be"

*Shel Silverstein*

Offline salvo

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #47 on: November 17, 2020, 04:59:28 am »
Hi Folks,

You can keep a light on all night.

Sal
Salvo

Offline Bob Wilson

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #48 on: November 22, 2020, 12:34:40 am »
Do you know why you never hear about a lawyer getting a snake bite?
Professional courtesy.

Offline Bob Wilson

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #49 on: November 22, 2020, 12:40:33 am »
A pastor was visiting an elderly lady, and sitting near the coffee table, he saw a bowl of peanuts. Perhaps he should have asked, but when she stepped away for a moment, he took a handful and munched away. After she returned, he confessed what he did and said he hoped it was OK. "Well," she replied, "you can if you want to. I've already sucked all the chocolate off them."

Offline salvo

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #50 on: December 01, 2020, 09:01:57 am »
HI folks,

The grumpy Navy Master Chief saw a new face and shouted at him "Come here! What's your name, sailor?" "James" the new seaman answered. "Listen carefully sailor, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they're teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don't call anyone by his first name" the chief scowled. "It's their last names only; Carter, Davidson, Cooper, Jackson, whatever. And you are to refer to me as 'Master Chief'. Do I make myself clear?" "Aye, Aye, Master Chief!" "Now, what's your last name?" The sailor sighed. "Darling, My name is James Darling, Master Chief". "Okay, James, here's what I want you to do"...


Sal
Salvo

Offline salvo

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #51 on: January 02, 2021, 08:17:02 am »
Hi Folks,

I don't know where this goes! Big Lies? Covid? But I finally realized IT'S A JOKE!

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Sal
Salvo

Offline Bob Wilson

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #52 on: January 02, 2021, 11:04:48 am »
Dr. Evil is behind the cornavirus? It all makes perfect sense now!

Offline Michael Bush

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #53 on: January 02, 2021, 02:07:35 pm »
This vaccine is the first ever mRNA vaccine to be used on humans.  Ever.  Nothing to see here...

http://republicbroadcasting.org/news/dr-wakefield-warns-this-is-not-a-vax-it-is-irreversible-genetic-modification/
My website:  bushfarms.com/bees.htm en espanol: bushfarms.com/es_bees.htm  auf deutsche: bushfarms.com/de_bees.htm  em portugues:  bushfarms.com/pt_bees.htm
My book:  ThePracticalBeekeeper.com
-------------------
"Everything works if you let it."--James "Big Boy" Medlin

Offline salvo

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #54 on: January 16, 2021, 09:51:27 pm »
Hi Folks,

Something for the sick and the shut-ins:

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(You're gonna love this.)

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

(You sang it, didn't you? Yeah, I know you did.)

Sal
Salvo

Offline Bob Wilson

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #55 on: January 20, 2021, 09:20:38 am »
There was a news story a while ago out of China, in which some cows had been allowed to wander into a house, and took some some small decorative items off a coffee table. Later, out in the rice field, they argued about the stolen articles, and one cow struck and killed the other one.
It was the first confirmed case of a knickknack patty whack.

Offline salvo

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #56 on: February 28, 2021, 12:08:01 am »
Hi Folks,

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?


Because he was dead.

Sal
Salvo

Offline iddee

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #57 on: February 28, 2021, 03:38:48 am »
Remember, the hands that changed your kid's poopy diaper today will cook and serve your dinner tonight.
"Listen to the mustn'ts, child. Listen to the don'ts. Listen to the shouldn'ts, the impossibles, the won'ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me . . . Anything can happen, child. Anything can be"

*Shel Silverstein*

Offline salvo

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #58 on: February 28, 2021, 06:48:39 pm »
Hi Folks,

How to give a cat a pill ... and a dog, too

How to give a cat a pill:

    Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

    Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

    Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

    Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

    Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

    Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

    Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

    Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil, and blow down drinking straw.

    Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

    Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

    Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

    Call fire department to retrieve the darn cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

    Tie the little @!!@#@#$%'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

    Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

    Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How to give a dog a pill:

    Wrap it in cheese.

Sal
Salvo

Offline iddee

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Re: Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke! 🙂
« Reply #59 on: February 28, 2021, 08:38:03 pm »
How to Bathe a Cat


1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.

3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge,

as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.

6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely, The DOG
"Listen to the mustn'ts, child. Listen to the don'ts. Listen to the shouldn'ts, the impossibles, the won'ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me . . . Anything can happen, child. Anything can be"

*Shel Silverstein*