Beemaster's International Beekeeping Forum
MEMBER & GUEST INTERACTION SECTION => HUMOR IS A FUNNY THING => Topic started by: Ben Framed on September 10, 2020, 01:06:01 am
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Ok Friends, time for a new clean joke!
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A Democrat took a bath??
NEW, CLEAN, and a JOKE??
:cheesy:
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how bout "told the truth"
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Iddee; I love your thinking!!
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What do you call a man with a rubber toe?
Roberto
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What do you call a man with a rubber toe?
Roberto
I laughed embarrassingly hard at this. :embarassed: :cheesy: :cheesy:
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Everybody knows one,... or two. Post 'em up. Let's have a laugh,... or a wince.
I'm sure we all know that the two "E"s are silent in the word BEE.
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What's a quiet Hawaiian laugh?
Aloha. ! !
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What's a quiet Hawaiian laugh?
Aloha. ! !
👍🏻 :grin:
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What do you call a ---
Lady with one leg?? - Eileen
Man sitting under a cow?? - Pat
Man in a hole?? - Doug
Man lying in a bunch of dry leaves?? - Russell
Cow with no legs? - Ground beef
Deer with no eyes?? - no idea!
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What do you call a fish with no arms?
A fish
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I took a picture of a field of wheat, but it came out grainy ! !
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The lady approached a roadside sign that read "trucks entering highway". There were two semis pulling onto the road in front of her. She looked at her passenger and asked, "How did that sign know exactly when those trucks would be entering this road?"
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A pun, a play on words, and a limerick walk into a bar. No joke. (Apparently an anecdote and a double entendre were also in attendance)
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What do you get when you cross a riddle with a rhetorical question?
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Guy walks into a bar and sits at a table. Tells the waitress, "I'll have a Bloody Mary and a menu." When she returns with his drink, he asks "Still servin' breakfast?" When she says Yes, he replies, "Then I'll have two eggs-runny on top and burnt on the bottom, five strips of bacon-well done on one end and still raw on the other, two pieces of burnt toast and a cold cup of coffee." Indignantly the waitress says, "We don't serve that kinda stuff in here!" Guy says, "Funny... that's what I had in here yesterday..."
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Jean-Paul Sartre walks into a bar and orders a cup of coffee, with no cream. The bartender replies, I?m sorry, but we?re out of cream. How about with no milk?
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Rene Descartes walks into a bar and the bartender says "Martini?" and Descartes says "I think not!" and poof! He disappears.
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Heisenberg was also sitting at the bar. After Descartes vanished in a puff of smoke, the bartender walked over to him and asked, "Did you see that?" Heisenberg replied, "I can't be certain."
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The bartender then noticed Einstein was there. So he asked him if he could believe what had happened. Einstein replied, "It's all relative."
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Carl Sagan was there. He walked over to him and asked, "Can you believe that all these famous people are here in THIS bar?" Sagan replied, "No. Why, there must be BILLIONS and BILLIONS of bars out there."
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Meanwhile, Gustav Hertz was having such a great time, that he promised to return in the future at a much greater frequency.
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Robert Boyle commented that he thought everyone was under too much pressure to come up with an answer to what was happening.
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Erwin Schr?dinger tried to explain that in the absence of an observer, Descartes left but at the same time did not leave.
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Alexander Volta disagreed stating there was a potential difference between his staying or going.
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James Watt had had a bad day and said he had come in just to let off a little steam.
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Charles Darwin was waiting to see what would evolve.
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Thomas Edison stated that he found the whole thing illuminating.
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Andre Ampere helped the bartender ascertain that all the statements were kept current.
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Eli Whitney said, "I believe I will have another gin."
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Sir Isaac Newton pondered the gravity of the situation.
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Robert Goddard said the situation was not rocket science.
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Archimedes didn't participate. He was out having a screw.
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Georg Ohm, though he resisted answering, did provide a tasty treat for the crowd. Everyone loved Ohm's Slaw.
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Max Karl Ernst Ludwig Planck thought it a constant drain of energy to contemplate the disappearance.
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Gaston Plante thought Descartes should be put in a cell for battery.
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William Sturgeon and Joseph Henry made a good gauss at where Descartes had gone.
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Johann Salomo, Christoph Schweigger, and Jacques Arsene d'Arsonval were galvanized into instant action.
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Both Mr. and Mrs. Curie thought that Descartes had a radiating personality, even after his disappearance.
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Nicola Tesla re-coiled at the sight.
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Werner Heisenberg, Kurt G?del, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says, "Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it?s funny or not?" G?del replies, "We can?t know that because we?re inside the joke." Chomsky says, "Of course it?s funny. You?re just telling it wrong."
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A German walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender says "Dry?" and the German says, "Nein, just one".
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A Roman walks into a bar, sticks two fingers up to the barman and says, "Five beers please."
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Julius Caesar walks into a bar. "I'll have a martinus," he says. The Bartender gives him a puzzled look and asks, "Don't you mean a martini'?" "Look," Caesar retorts, "If I wanted a double, I'd have asked for it!"
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An infectious disease walks into a bar and the bartender says, "We don't serve infectious diseases here." And the infectious disease says, "Well you're not a very good host."
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Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve bacteria here." And the bacteria says, "But we work here. We're staph."
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A man from North Carolina goes into a bar in New England. He asks the bartender, "Did you go to Harvard?" The bartender says, "Yale." The North Carolinan says, "DID YOU GO TO HARVARD?"
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A polar bear, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"
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Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, "Olive or twist?"
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Jean-Paul Sartre walks into a bar and orders a cup of coffee, with no cream. The bartender replies, I?m sorry, but we?re out of cream. How about with no milk?
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Rene Descartes walks into a bar and the bartender says "Martini?" and Descartes says "I think not!" and poof! He disappears.
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Heisenberg was also sitting at the bar. After Descartes vanished in a puff of smoke, the bartender walked over to him and asked, "Did you see that?" Heisenberg replied, "I can't be certain."
---------------------------------------------------------------
The bartender then noticed Einstein was there. So he asked him if he could believe what had happened. Einstein replied, "It's all relative."
---------------------------------------------------------------
Carl Sagan was there. He walked over to him and asked, "Can you believe that all these famous people are here in THIS bar?" Sagan replied, "No. Why, there must be BILLIONS and BILLIONS of bars out there."
---------------------------------------------------------------
Meanwhile, Gustav Hertz was having such a great time, that he promised to return in the future at a much greater frequency.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Robert Boyle commented that he thought everyone was under too much pressure to come up with an answer to what was happening.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Erwin Schr?dinger tried to explain that in the absence of an observer, Descartes left but at the same time did not leave.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Alexander Volta disagreed stating there was a potential difference between his staying or going.
---------------------------------------------------------------
James Watt had had a bad day and said he had come in just to let off a little steam.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Charles Darwin was waiting to see what would evolve.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Thomas Edison stated that he found the whole thing illuminating.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Andre Ampere helped the bartender ascertain that all the statements were kept current.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Eli Whitney said, "I believe I will have another gin."
---------------------------------------------------------------
Sir Isaac Newton pondered the gravity of the situation.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Robert Goddard said the situation was not rocket science.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Archimedes didn't participate. He was out having a screw.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Georg Ohm, though he resisted answering, did provide a tasty treat for the crowd. Everyone loved Ohm's Slaw.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Max Karl Ernst Ludwig Planck thought it a constant drain of energy to contemplate the disappearance.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Gaston Plante thought Descartes should be put in a cell for battery.
---------------------------------------------------------------
William Sturgeon and Joseph Henry made a good gauss at where Descartes had gone.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Johann Salomo, Christoph Schweigger, and Jacques Arsene d'Arsonval were galvanized into instant action.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Both Mr. and Mrs. Curie thought that Descartes had a radiating personality, even after his disappearance.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Nicola Tesla re-coiled at the sight.
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Oh, my gosh this whole thing is a riot!! Ha! Heisenberg. . . . :cheesy:
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Julius Caesar walks into a bar. "I'll have a martinus," he says. The Bartender gives him a puzzled look and asks, "Don't you mean a martini'?" "Look," Caesar retorts, "If I wanted a double, I'd have asked for it!"
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Okay, we do this all the time in our family. It's not uncommon to hear us speak of a "macaronus", or the like. :cheesy:
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A Roman walks into a bar, sticks two fingers up to the barman and says, "Five beers please."
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Oh gosh, this one too. . . ! :cheesy:
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A man from North Carolina goes into a bar in New England. He asks the bartender, "Did you go to Harvard?" The bartender says, "Yale." The North Carolinan says, "DID YOU GO TO HARVARD?"
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This happened to my Mom once for real. We were going horseback riding, and the guide told her that her horse's name was "Bell", and she said, "Bale? Like Christian Bale?" And I said, "Mom, accent," and the guide said, "I don't go no accent, it's you that has the accent!" :cheesy:
What do you get when you cross a riddle with a rhetorical question?
This one takes the cake though. :cheesy: :cheesy:
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Beekeepers can always be counted on to do the right thing,... after they've exhausted all other possibilities.
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The Jewish Elbow
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your
elbow, push button "301". I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push "3".
When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?"
?What . . ... .. You're coming empty handed??
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Nice job Michael, 20/10 for that ! ! :wink: :wink:
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What do you get when you cross a riddle with a rhetorical question?
Confused ! !
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A man goes into a bar with a giraffe; they both get a couple of rounds in. When they get up to leave they're extremely drunk and the giraffe passes out and falls over. The man opens the door, about to leave by himself, when the bartender stops him suddenly and says, "Hey! You can't leave that lyin' there!" The man turns around and slurs, "Don't be silly, that's not a lion, that's a giraffe!"
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A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"
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A man walks into an English pub and orders a pint of Adenosine Triphosphate. The barman says "that will be 80p."
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A cable TV installer walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "You'll be served sometime between 7 and 2."
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Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first one replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
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C, E-flat and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.
D comes in and heads for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."
E-Flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "you're looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development." Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural.
Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of D.S. without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.
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Two programmers walk into a foo.
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A SQL query walks into a bar and joins two tables...
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The bartender says "we don't serve time-travelers here". A time-traveler walks into a bar.
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A guy walks into a bar and says "is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?"
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A physicist, a mathematician and an engineer walk into a bar and the bar tender asks them what the volume is of a red rubber ball he has.
The physicist immersed the ball in a beaker full of water and measured the volume of the displaced fluid. The mathematician measured the diameter and calculated a triple integral. The engineer looked it up in his Red Rubber Ball Volume Table.
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A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5ft to the left, the chemist takes a shot and misses 5ft to the right, the statistician yells "We got ?em!"
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Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero?
He?s 0K now.
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The programmer?s wife tells him: "Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen."
The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
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An organic chemist, an analytical chemist, and a physical chemist are asked if a certain horse will win the race. The organic chemist asks what the horse has been eating and drugs given to it. The analytical chemist asks for the makeup of the track and mud. The physical chemist starts with "If we assume that the horse is a sphere..."
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An engineer, a chemist, and an economist are marooned on a desert island. They start to brainstorm a way off the island.
The engineer says, "we can lash together some branches and make a crude raft and try to make our way back to land somehow."
The chemist says, "with the right materials we could build a really smokey fire and try to signal a plane."
The economist says, "okay let?s assume we have a boat..."
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Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer, the bartender says, "Sorry, we don?t serve noble gases here." He doesn?t react.
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How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A fish.
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A man walked into a bar holding an alligator. He asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?" The bartender said, "Yes, we do!" "Good," replied the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my alligator."
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Heisenberg and Schrodinger are driving down the highway and get pulled over. The cop says "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg says "I have no idea" the cop says, 90mph!" and Heisenberg says "Great! Now I don't know where I am!". The cop says he needs to search the car and Heisenberg agrees so he pops the trunk and the cop says "You know you have a dead cat in here!" and Schrodinger says "I do NOW!"
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A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender, "Have you seen my brother?" The bartender asks, "I don't know, what does he look like?"
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A kangaroo walks into a bar. He orders a beer. The bartender says, "That'll be $10. You know, we don't get many kangaroos coming in here." The kangaroo says, "At $10 a beer, it's not hard to understand."
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An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans, walk into a bar. After scrutinizing the group, the bartender says "I'm sorry, but I can't let you come in here without a Thai."
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George R. R. Martin, Joss Whedon, and Steven Moffat walk into a bar and everyone you've ever loved dies.
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I woke up this morning, changed a light bulb walked across the street and into a bar and I realized, my whole life ...is a joke
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A man walks into a bar and orders ten times what everyone else is currently drinking.
The bartender exclaims: "Now, THAT'S an order of magnitude!"
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185 Lawyers walk into a bar.
Only 60% pass it.
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Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have a pint of blood."
The second one says, "I'll have one, too."
The third one says, "I'll have a pint of plasma."
The bartender says, "So, that'll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?"
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George R. R. Martin, Joss Whedon, and Steven Moffat walk into a bar and everyone you've ever loved dies.
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This is the hardest I've laughed in several days. Which is a big deal, since I laugh at everything. :grin: :cheesy: :cheesy:
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Hi Folks,
So, yesterday a friend asked me if I had any plans for the fall.
It took me a minute to realize she meant autumn, not the collapse of civilization.
Sal
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A horse walks into a bar. Several people immediately recognize the danger in the situation and leave.
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So a man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "hey, will you give me a free beer if I show you something amazing you've never seen before?"
The bartender says, "sure, but it'd better be good."
The man reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He sets the hamster down on the bar, and the hamster runs along the bar, jumps off the end, turns a somersault in midair and lands on the piano. He then proceeds to play the piano beautifully. The bartender says, "Wow! That was incredible! Have a beer."
The man finishes his beer and says to the bartender, "hey, if I show you something else amazing that you've never seen before, will you give me another free beer?"
"If it's as amazing as the hamster, sure," the bartender replies.
So the man reaches back into his coat pocket, and pulls out a frog. He sets the frog down on the bar, and the frog begins to sing beautifully. The bartender is again amazed, and gets the man another beer.
As the man is drinking his beer, another man rushes over and says "Holy bleep, a singing frog! I'll give you $200 for that frog."
The first man says "Deal!" and sells him the frog. The bartender walks over and says, "not that it's my business, but that was a singing frog, for heaven's sake. Why would you sell it for only $200? You could have made millions off of it."
The man says, "nah, don't worry. The hamster's also a ventriloquist."
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A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's steering-wheel attached to the front of his pants. The bartender says, "You know you got a ship's steering wheel stuck to the front of your pants?" The pirate says, "Aye and it's drivin' me nuts."
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A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. Bartender says "What's up with the paper towel?" The pirate says, "Aye...there's a bounty on me head!"
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Three logicians walk into a bar. The tender says, "Do all of you want a drink?
"I don't know," says the first logician.
"I don't know," says the second logician.
"Yes!" says the third one.
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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have a pint." The second asks for half a pint. The third asks for a quarter of a pint. The fourth one asks for an eighth of a pint... "Alright, you idiots," the bartender says, and he pours two pints and says "I hope you guys know your limits."
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The Saturday Joke of the Day 😂😂😂
Visiting the modern art museum, a lady turned to an attendant standing nearby.
"This," she said, "I suppose, is one of those hideous representations you call modern art?"
"No, Madam," replied the attendant. "That one's called a mirror."
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The Saturday Joke of the Day 😂😂😂
Visiting the modern art museum, a lady turned to an attendant standing nearby.
"This," she said, "I suppose, is one of those hideous representations you call modern art?"
"No, Madam," replied the attendant. "That one's called a mirror."
Jim I laughed out on this one!!!! 😂
Thanks!
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Went to an antenna wedding the other day Michael, the ceremony was boring but the reception was great ! !
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It's hard to explain puns to a kleptomaniac because they always take things literally ! !
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When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in the movie theater, he walked over and whispered "Sorry sir, but you are allowed only one seat."
The man moaned but didn't budge. "Sir," the usher said more loudly, "if you don't move, I'll have to call the manager."
The man moaned again but stayed where he was. The usher left and returned with the manager, who, after several attempts at dislodging the fellow, called the police.
The cop looked at the reclining man and said, "All right, what's your name, joker?" "Joe", he mumbled. "And where are you from, Joe?"
Joe responds painfully, "The balcony!"
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A 90-year-old man said to his doctor,
?I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said,
?I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun.?
?When he got to the Creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said,
?I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."
The doctor replied,
?My point exactly."
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A guy walks into a bar and sees a foot tall guy playing a small piano. He orders a beer and asks about the old brass lamp on the bar. The bartender says "it's a genie lamp. You rub it and a genie pops out and you get a wish." The guy says, "you're pulling my leg." The bar tender says, "what do you have to lose?" So the guy rubs the lamp and poof a genie pops out. The genie asks what his wish is. The guy says, "I want a barrel full of money." poof! the genie is gone and in the middle of the bar there is a barrel. The guy goes over and pulls the plug out of the top of the barrel, shines a flashlight in and says "Hey! This isn't a barrel of money it's a barrel of honey!" And the bartender says "You think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?"
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A guy walks into a bar with a monkey. The bartender says "You can't bring that monkey in here!" and the guy says, if you let me I'll buy a round of drinks for the whole bar. So the bartender reluctantly says ok. The monkey sits next to the guy and the guy drinks his beer. The monkey gets bored and walks over to the pool table, picks up the que ball and swallows it. The bartender starts yelling and kicks the guy out. A few days later the guy comes back to the bar with the monkey again and the bar tender says he's not welcome. The guy says, "I brought back you que ball. I disinfected it for you it nice and clean." The bartender says "ok you can bring the monkey in but keep him under control!" The guy sits at the bar and orders a beer. He pulls a small bunch of grapes out of his pocket and gives it to the monkey. The monkey picks a grape, puts it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. He repeats this for every grape. After a while the bartender says, you need to leave. That monkey is disgusting and it's grossing out my customers. Why in the world does he do that!?" The guy says, "every since he swallowed that que ball he checks everything to make sure it fits."
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A dyslexic guy walks into a bra.
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A mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender says we don't serve mushrooms. The mushroom says "why not? I'm a fun guy."
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A pair of jumper cables walks into a bar and the bartender says "you guys are always trouble" The jumper cables say "we'll behave" and the bartender says "ok, but don't start anything."
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Two peanuts walked into a bar and one of them was a salted.
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A guy walks in the front door of a bar, obviously drunk, and orders a whiskey. The bartender says "you're obviously drunk, I'm not allowed to serve you." The guy walks out and comes in the alley door. He orders a whiskey and the bartender refused to serve him. He stomps out and walks in the side door of the bar and again the bartender refuses to serve him. The guy looks very confused and says "how many bars do you work at!"
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A guy walks into a bar and sits down and orders a beer. A beautiful young lady sits down next to him and starts a conversation with him. The guy is enjoying it and buys her a drink. Suddenly in the middle of the conversation the girl yells "TO A MOTEL!" The guy is very taken aback and turns his back to her and keeps nursing his beer. She again attempts to have a conversation and as soon as he responds she again yells "TO A MOTEL!" The guy gets up and walks to a table with his beer and the girl follows him over. He says "why are you doing this!" and she says, "I'm a psychology major and I'm doing my Master's thesis on how people react to embarrassing situations." And the guy yells "A HUNDRED DOLLARS!!!!".
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Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those." 😂😂
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Awesome! Problems and obstacles easily solved! Amazing what these things can do! lol! 😂😂 Another good one! lol
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Do you know a quick way to tell the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer?
One of them will taste different.
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Good grief Sal! What are you trying to do? I'll have you know I was eating dinner when I read this! :oops: Thanks a lot! lol. Goodness!! :tongue: :cheesy:
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My daughter woke me up at 2am. ?Daddy? she said tugging at my pajama sleeve ?guess how old I will be next week?? I replied ?how old sweetie?? She smiled and held up 4 fingers.
It?s almost 8am. I?ve been awake for 6 hours. She still won?t tell me where she got the fingers.
Happy Halloween
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https://youtu.be/wPeEWXlD_lE
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Hi Folks,
Give a man a duck,... and he^ll live for a day.
Teach a man to duck,... and he won^t walk into bars!
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Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!" The pastor fainted.
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Hi Folks,
What is the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
Well. A hippo is a great big heavy animal.
A zippo is a little lighter.
Sal
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Hi Folks,
All right. You've seen the hippo/zippo....
Well riddle me this!
What is the difference between light and hard?
Sal
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What is the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
One is a scum sucking bottom feeder.
The other one is a fish.
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Biden asked a 10 y/o boy if he wanted to talk about the presidency. The boy replied, I have a question for you. If a goat, a cow, and a horse eat the same grass from the same pasture, why does a cow feces make a patty, a horse feces the size of apples, and the goat feces like beans?
Biden said he really didn't know that one.
The boy then asked, "How do you expect to run the greatest country the world has ever known, if you don't know crap?
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Hi Folks,
You can keep a light on all night.
Sal
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Do you know why you never hear about a lawyer getting a snake bite?
Professional courtesy.
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A pastor was visiting an elderly lady, and sitting near the coffee table, he saw a bowl of peanuts. Perhaps he should have asked, but when she stepped away for a moment, he took a handful and munched away. After she returned, he confessed what he did and said he hoped it was OK. "Well," she replied, "you can if you want to. I've already sucked all the chocolate off them."
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HI folks,
The grumpy Navy Master Chief saw a new face and shouted at him "Come here! What's your name, sailor?" "James" the new seaman answered. "Listen carefully sailor, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they're teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don't call anyone by his first name" the chief scowled. "It's their last names only; Carter, Davidson, Cooper, Jackson, whatever. And you are to refer to me as 'Master Chief'. Do I make myself clear?" "Aye, Aye, Master Chief!" "Now, what's your last name?" The sailor sighed. "Darling, My name is James Darling, Master Chief". "Okay, James, here's what I want you to do"...
Sal
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Hi Folks,
I don't know where this goes! Big Lies? Covid? But I finally realized IT'S A JOKE!
Sal
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Dr. Evil is behind the cornavirus? It all makes perfect sense now!
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This vaccine is the first ever mRNA vaccine to be used on humans. Ever. Nothing to see here...
http://republicbroadcasting.org/news/dr-wakefield-warns-this-is-not-a-vax-it-is-irreversible-genetic-modification/
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Hi Folks,
Something for the sick and the shut-ins:
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
(You're gonna love this.)
The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
(You sang it, didn't you? Yeah, I know you did.)
Sal
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There was a news story a while ago out of China, in which some cows had been allowed to wander into a house, and took some some small decorative items off a coffee table. Later, out in the rice field, they argued about the stolen articles, and one cow struck and killed the other one.
It was the first confirmed case of a knickknack patty whack.
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Hi Folks,
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because he was dead.
Sal
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Remember, the hands that changed your kid's poopy diaper today will cook and serve your dinner tonight.
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Hi Folks,
How to give a cat a pill ... and a dog, too
How to give a cat a pill:
Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil, and blow down drinking straw.
Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
Call fire department to retrieve the darn cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
Tie the little @!!@#@#$%'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How to give a dog a pill:
Wrap it in cheese.
Sal
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How to Bathe a Cat
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge,
as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.
Sincerely, The DOG
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A dung beetle walks into a bar.... "Is this your crap?"
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A vasectomy
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
keeps the worry out of being close.
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Hi Folks,
My neighbor got arrested today for growing pot.
I guess my property line isn't where I thought it was.
Sal
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:embarassed:
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Hi Folks,
My neighbor got arrested today for growing pot.
I guess my property line isn't where I thought it was.
Sal
HA!! :cheesy:
-
That sounds like some of the corn fields where I live. The farmers grow a lot of pot but they do not know it. :wink:
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Hi Folks,
Land of Milk and Honey
https://www.fwi.co.uk/farm-life/somerset-farm-milking-horses-in-quirky-diversification
Sal
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Hi Folks,
Land of Milk and Honey
https://www.fwi.co.uk/farm-life/somerset-farm-milking-horses-in-quirky-diversification
Sal
This isn't funny, it's awesome! :grin: Although I question the article's assertion that mare's milk is easy for human's to digest because horses and humans have a single stomach, whereas cows have multi-chambered stomachs. It's my understanding that in baby ruminants the milk bypasses the rumen anyway and is only digested by their "normal" stomach.
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I have heard of folks drinking goat milk and eating goat cheese but I know nothing of the goats stomach. So I guess the laugh is on me! lol
-
Hi Folks,
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
?Miss Beatrice?, he said. ?I wonder if you would tell me about this?? pointing to the bowl.
?Oh, yes? she replied, ?isn?t it wonderful? I was walking through the park late last Summer and I found this little package on the ground.?
?The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven?t caught the Covid or even had the flu all Winter?
Sal
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Hi Folks,
This country is going to the dogs:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jAEuvmnWE_Y
Sal
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Hi Folks,
It's a joke! It's just a joke!
https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=bill+gates+in+satire+we+find+truth&&view=detail&mid=14338679D071FC42610914338679D071FC426109&&FORM=VRDGAR&ru=%2Fvideos%2Fsearch%3Fq%3Dbill%2Bgates%2Bin%2Bsatire%2Bwe%2Bfind%2Btruth%26FORM%3DHDRSC3
Sal
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I enjoyed it Salvo !
It did take me a minute to spell out the acronym. . . . But then, I am slow :wink:
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It's a joke! It's just a joke!
Salvo are you sure about that.
Jim Altmiller
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It's a joke! It's just a joke!
Salvo are you sure about that.
Jim Altmiller
:wink:
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Billy really is a hoot on and off the stage.
https://youtu.be/HwrKCvXAHpU
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Hi Folks,
Another joke:
Sal
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Hi Folks,
My best friend's son, after seven years of med school and training has been fired after ONE minor indiscretion. He had a physical relationship with one of his patients, and can no longer work in his chosen field.
It just goes to show you how just ONE mistake can ruin your whole life.
Please pray for him. He's one of the best veterinarians I know.
Sal
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Hi Folks,
Schadenfreude is a German word meaning: To take pleasure, joy, GLEE from another persons misfortune. Sorta like when people laugh when someone slips and falls on a banana peel.
This is a GREAT one. Guy fights back at gas station. Funny as a [insert your word here]. Anyone got a match?:
https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-9534677/Got-Thieves-abort-petrol-station-robbery-car-owner-fights-spraying-fuel.html
Sal
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Hi Folks,
Have you ever been crazy about someone ^back in the day^, only to see them now and think ^I'm glad I missed that ship^.
Yeah. But every morning when I look in the mirror, I just shake my head and ask Who's that guy?
Sal
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Hi Folks,
Reports in from Europe: Eating vegan food is the recipe for a healthy, good and long life, says the 4 nutritionists from Norway aged 26-28
Sal
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:grin: :grin: :grin:
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Before you become to critical, consider, they could have accidently got into some gmo (Genetically Modified Organism) veggies!!! :shocked: :shocked: :shocked: :shocked: :cheesy: :wink:
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Hi Folks,
Sal
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Good one Sal :grin:
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Hi Folks,
Gotta LAUGH!!!
Atlanta councilman running for mayor who voted for 'Defund the Police' measure is dragged down the road and almost killed by kids as young as seven who stole his Mercedes during day.
Please click the link:
https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=atlanta+councilman+car+stolen&&view=detail&mid=31D1D1091E7DE18B023831D1D1091E7DE18B0238&&FORM=VRDGAR&ru=%2Fvideos%2Fsearch%3Fq%3Datlanta%2Bcouncilman%2Bcar%2Bstolen%26FORM%3DHDRSC3
Sal
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Hi Folks,
The kid next door just challenged me to a water fight,
so I decided to post this while I'm waiting for the water to boil.
Sal
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Hi Folks,
The kid next door just challenged me to a water fight,
so I decided to post this while I'm waiting for the water to boil.
Sal
Thats rough Sal lol
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Hi Folks,
A little bit of friendly advice that can work for you:
Sal
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Hi Folks,
A little bit of friendly advice that can work for you:
Sal
\
Right Sal !!! :wink: In that case the joke is on us guys! Tell her she is overreacting and get ready for burned biscuits!! lol :wink:
Try that with your honey!! :shocked: :cheesy: :wink:
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Hi Folks,
A little bit o' culture goes a long way 'round here.
In the Broadway production of Ballyhoo of 1932, Willie Howard (1886-1949) and his brother Eugene Howard (1891-1965) played in a skit where a soap-box orator told some Columbus Circle (New York City) bums about the glories of Communism. *Comes the revolution,* the orator declared, *everyone would live the good life and eat strawberries and cream*.
*I don?t like strawberries and cream!* responded one of his listeners.
*Comes the revolution,* the orator declared, *You?ll eat strawberries and cream?and like it!*
Sal
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I was looking as some Si Robertson Jokes and came across this in the comments. Some of these folks em lol. Take this girl for instance.
"You can't fix stupid, but you can numb it was a 2 by 4."
Darynda Jones
Goodness Darynda!!! Woo Wee
She must be one tough gal!
I think she meant with a 2 by 4
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Hi Folks,
Sal
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COP: Do you mind identifying the body [He puts his hand on my shoulder]. I have to warn you, the body was hacked up pretty bad.
ME: [Tearing up] Yes. That's my brother Reese.
COP: You're sure?
ME: [nodding] Yes. Those are Reese's Pieces
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COP: Do you mind identifying the body [He puts his hand on my shoulder]. I have to warn you, the body was hacked up pretty bad.
ME: [Tearing up] Yes. That's my brother Reese.
COP: You're sure?
ME: [nodding] Yes. Those are Reese's Pieces
I am laughing shamefully hard at this for how dumb it is! :cheesy:
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Hi Folks,
A baby's laughter is the best thing in the world,...
Unless it's 3 AM,...
And you're alone in your home,...
And you don't have a baby in the house.....
Sal
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What?s the difference between coffee and your opinion ?
I asked for coffee ! !
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WIFE: Hon. Go to the corner market and get a carton of milk. If they have eggs, get six.
HUSBAND: On my way, Babe.
Later---
WIFE: Why the heck did you get SIX cartons of milk???
HUSBAND: Well,... they had eggs!
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That is so like my wife and I :grin: And she added "every day"
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Hi Folks,
Marie was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out?. ?Boudreaux, you need to go out and fix da outhouse!?
Boudreaux replies, ?Dere ain?t nuthin wrong wid da outhouse.?
Marie yells back, ?Yes dere is; now git out dere and fix it.?
So??.Boudreaux mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, ?Marie dere ain?t nuthin wrong wid dis outhouse cher! ?
Marie replies, ?Stick yur head in da hole!?
Boudreaux yells back, ?I ain?t stickin my head in dat hole!?
Marie says, ?Ya have to stick yur head in da hole to see what to fix.?
So with that, Boudreaux sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back,?Marie ? Dere ain?t nuthin wrong with dis outhouse!?
Marie hollers back, ?Now take your head out of da hole!?
Boudreaux proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, and then starts yelling, ?Marie ? Help! My beard is stuck in da cracks in da toilet seat!?
To which Marie replies, ?Hurts, don?t it??
Sal
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Hi Folks,
For those of you who try to understand us New Englanders:
The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury.
Due north of the center we find the South End.
This is not to be confused with South Boston which lies directly east from the South End.
North of the South End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End.
There is no school on School Street , no court on Court Street, no dock on Dock Square , and no water on Water Street .
Back Bay Boston streets are in alphabetical ohrddah: Arlington , Berkeley , Clarendon, Dartmouth , etc.
So are South Boston streets: A, B, C, D, etc.
If the streets are named after trees (e.g. Walnut, Chestnut, Cedar) you are on Beacon Hill.
If they are named after poets, you are in Wellesley.
Massachusetts Avenue is Mass Ave.
Commonwealth Avenue is Comm Ave.
South Boston is Southie.
The South End is The South End.
East Boston is Eastie.
The North End is east of the former West End.
The West End and Scollay Square are no more; a guy named Rappaport got rid of them one night.
Roxbury is The Berry.
Jamaica Plain is J.P.
There are two State Houses, two City Halls, two courthouses, and two Hancock buildings (one is very old; one is relatively new).
The colored lights on top the old Hancock tells the wehthah:
"Solid blue, clear view."
"Flashing blue, clouds due."
"Solid red, rain ahead."
"Flashing red, snow instead." (except in summer, flashing red means the Red Sox game was rained out!)
Most people live here all their life and still do not know what the hell is going on with this one:
Route 128 South is I-95 south and it is also I-93 north.
The underground train is not a subway. It is the T, and it does not run all night (Fah chrysakes, this ain't Noo Yawk).
Order the cold tea in China Town after 2:00 AM; you will get a kettle full of beer.
Bostonians: think that it is their God-given right to cut off someone in traffic. (It is!)
Bostonians: think that there are only 25 letters in the alphabet (No Rs, except in idear.)
Bostonians: think that three straight days of 90+ temperatures is a heat wave.
Bostonians: refer to six inches of snow as a dusting.
Bostonians: always bang a left as soon as the light turns green, and oncoming traffic always expects it..
Bostonians: believe that using your turn signal is a sign of weakness. (It is.)
Bostonians: think that 63 degree ocean water is warm.
Bostonians: think Rhode Island accents are annoying.
The bridge connecting Boston and Cambridge via Massachusetts Avenue is commonly known as the Harvard Bridge. (Or Hahvahd Bridge).
When it was built, the state offered to name the bridge for the Cambridge school that could present the best claim for the honor. Harvard submitted an essay detailing its contributions to education in America, concluding that it deserved the honor of having a bridge leading into Cambridge named for the institution...
MIT did a structural analysis of the bridge and found it so full of defects that they agreed that it should be named for Harvard.
This is all true!
Do not pahk your cah in Hahvid Yahd. They will tow it to Meffad (Medford) or Summahville (Somerville).
Do not sleep on the Common. (Boston Common)
Do not wear orange in Southie on St. Patrick's Day.
The Sox = The Red Sox.
The Cs = The Celtics.
The Bs = The Bruins.
The Pats = The Patriots.
How to pronounce these Massachusetts cities correctly:
Worcester: Wuhsta or Wistah.
Gloucester: Glawsta.
Leicester: Lesta.
Woburn: Woobun.
Dedham: Dead-um.
Revere: Ra-vee-ah.
Quincy: Quinzee.
Tewksbury: Tooks-ber-ry.
Leominster: Lemon-sta.
Peabody: Pee-ba-dee.
Waltham: Walth-ham.
Chatham: Cha-dum.
Samoset: Sam-oh-set or Sum-aw-set, but nevah Summerset!
Massachusetts Facts :
Frappes are made with ice cream - milkshakes are not.
If it is carbonated and flavored, it is tonic.
Tonic means Soda.
When we want Club Soda we ask for CLUB SODA .
When we want Tonic Water we ask for TONIC WATER .
Pop is another name for Dad.
The smallest beer is a pint.
Scrod is whatever they tell you it is, usually white fish. If you paid more than $7 per pound, you just got scrod.
It is not a water fountain.. it is a bubblah.
It is not a trash can... it is a barrel.
It is not a hero, or a grinder... it is a sub.
It is not a shopping caht... it is a carriage.
It is not a purse... it is a pockabook.
They are not franks... they are haht dahgs.
Franks are money used in Switzahland.
Police do not drive patrol units or black and whites... they drive a crewza.
If you take the bus, your on the looza crewza.
It is not a rubber band.. it is an elastic.
It is not a traffic circle or round about... it is a rotary.
"Going to the islands" means going to Martha's Vineyard or Nantucket.
Sal
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That is interesting Sal...
-
Hi Folks,
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-YFRUSTiFUs&t=421s
Sal
-
:grin: :grin: :grin: :grin:
-
:happy: :happy: :happy: :happy:
The whole family was laughing at this one.
Jim Altmiller
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Hi Folks,
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker.
Well,... she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
Sal
-
Good one Sal. :grin:
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Hi Folks,
Sean Murphy was headed home after breakfast at O'Grady's, that consisted of a few too many beers. He was careening down the sidewalk humming My Wild Irish Rose, when he happened upon two nuns walking in the opposite direction on the same sidewalk. The nuns knew of Sean and his reputation for drink, and feared this was going to be a messy encounter.
Sean saw the nuns, and straightened up his demeanor as best he could, but his gait was still a stumbling mess. The nuns gave each other sidelong glances, and as they neared Sean, they went around him giving him plenty of room on either side. Sean stopped after the nuns had passed, a being very used to seeing double in his inebriated state, scratched his head and said, *Now how did she do that?!*
Sal
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Hi Folks,
A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.
?I have an interesting case here,? he says.
?A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.?
?Have you arrested her?? asks the sergeant.
?No, not yet. The floor?s still wet.?
Sal
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Good one Sal. :cheesy: :grin:
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Hi Folks,
A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.
?I have an interesting case here,? he says.
?A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.?
?Have you arrested her?? asks the sergeant.
?No, not yet. The floor?s still wet.?
Sal
Hahaha! :cheesy:
-
The Marcel Ledbetter Moving Company.
https://youtu.be/XLWgnsZpG6o
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Hi Folks,
Wife and I been married 46 looonnng years. This morning at breakfast she said: *If I told you I won the lottery, what would you do? *
I said: *I'd take half your winnings,... and leave you.*
She said: *I won twelve dollars yesterday. Here*s you six. Don't forget to write!*
Sal
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Hi Folks,
You guys know I retired earlier this year. Well, I had some time on my hands, wanted to try something new, and got a pt job at a local funeral parlor, helping with, unh,... visitors and such.
Yesterday there were so many flowers leftover after a wake that the boss said I could take some home to my wife.
I gotta tell ya! Some women just don't like romantic things.
Sal
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Hi Folks,
Wife and I been married 46 looonnng years. This morning at breakfast she said: *If I told you I won the lottery, what would you do? *
I said: *I'd take half your winnings,... and leave you.*
She said: *I won twelve dollars yesterday. Here*s you six. Don't forget to write!*
Sal
:shocked: :cheesy: :wink:
-
Hi Folks,
Do you know that old saying, *One man's trash is another man's treasure*?
It's a wonderful saying, but it's a horrible way to find out you were adopted.
Sal
-
sal
I actually find many of your jokes funny.
Cheers
gww
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Football is a big thing in the State of Mississippi. Ole Miss Vs Mississippi State. Biggest sports day of the year. It's one game you don't want to miss! Jerry and RC was sitting on the very top row at the stadium. When Jerry looked over at RC, RC was gazing outside the stadium to the traffic on the street below, and there was a funeral possession. RC bowed his head and had his hand over his heart. Jerry said "RC I didn't know you was so sentimental?" RC said, "It's the least I could do Jerry; I was married to her 46 years!"
-
😂😂😂
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A first grader who was just learning to read was going through a book at home on zoo animals. He says out loud "A fricken Elephant". His dad is a little shocked and says, "why did you say that?" and the kid says "it says it right here A frican Elephant."
-
-
😂😁
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Hi Folks,
My wife asked me if I saw the dog bowl.
I didn't even know she could bowl!
Sal
-
OK! So a Scotsman comes to New Hampshire to do some skiing.
At the end of the day he heads to the bar where a giant taxidermied moose head hangs above the mantle.
"Gude Laird" says the Scot. "Wotts aht?"
The bartender says "It's a moose."
The Scot says. "If that's a moose, how big are yer cats?"
-
Good one Sal! :grin:
Phillip
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Hi Folks,
I asked my new girlfriend when her birthday was.
She said March first.
So, I walked around the room and asked her again.
Sal
-
:rolleyes: :cheesy:
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Hi Folks,
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in the pub and asks if he could buy him a drink. ?Why of course,? comes the reply.
The first man then asks ?Where are you from?? ?I?m from Ireland,? replies the second man. The first man responds ?You don?t say, I?m from Ireland too! Let?s have another round to Ireland.? ?Naturally,? replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks ?Where in Ireland are you from?? ?Dublin,? comes the reply. ?I can?t believe it,? says the first man. ?I?m from Dublin too! Let?s have another drink to Dublin.? ?Of course,? replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks ?What school did you go to?? ?Saint Mary?s,? replies the second man. ?I graduated in ?67.? ?This is unbelievable!? the first man says. ?I went to Saint Mary?s and also I graduated in ?67!?
About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. ?What?s been going on?? he asks the bartender. ?Nothing much,? replies the bartender. ?Just the O?Malley twins are drunk again.?
Sal
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:cheesy: :grin:
-
Hi Folks,
I was in Walmart using the restroom and just as I closed my stall door, a voice from the next stall said, ?Hi! How are you?? Embarrassed... I said, ?I?m all right!!?"
The voice said, "So what are you up to?? I said, ?Ummm... Just trying to handle a little private business over here!?
Then I hear, ?Can I come over?? Annoyed... I said ?Excuse me?!?!." Then the voice said, ?Listen, I will have to call you back, there?s an idiot in the next stall answering all my questions!"
Sal
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Moved from the main topic to this heading...
A can of peaches"
- After being caught stealing a can of peaches, a lady was in court and before the Judge.
- The judge ask her, "How many peaches were in that can?"
- She was puzzled and ask the Judge, "How is that relevant?"
- The Judge replied, "Just answer the question."
- She answered, "Yes Sir, 9 your honor Sir'.
- The Judge said, "You are hereby sentenced to 9 days in jail! One day for each peach!"
- The man sitting next to her, without hesitation after hearing the verdict, quickly raised his hand and was therefore
recognized by the Judge. The Judge asked, "Sir 'who' are you, and do you have something to add?"
- The man replied, "Yes Sir your honor",
"I am her husband; I just wanted to inform the court, that she also stole a can of Peas!"
:shocked: :cheesy: :wink: