Today is Burns Supper Day

[Michael Bush]

    Boris Johnson is being shown around a London hospital.  Towards the end of the visit, he is shown into a ward with a number people with no obvious signs of injury or disease.
    He goes to greet the first patient and the chap replies: "Fair fa' your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain e' the puddin' race!  Aboon them a' ye tak your place, Painch, tripe, or thairm; Weel are ye wordy o' a grace as lang's my arm."
    Boris, being somewhat confused (easily done) goes to the next patient and greets him.
    The patient replies: "Some hae meat, and canna eat, and some wad eat that want it, but we hae meat and can eat, and sae the Lord be thankit."
    The third starts rattling off: "Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, wi bickering brattle! I wad be laith to rin an chase thee, wi murdering pattle!" Boris turns to the doctor and asks: "Is this mental ward?"
    "No" the doctor replies, "It's the Burns unit."

One afternoon a Scotsman was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the  Scotsman said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the Scotsman replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife  and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the Scotsman answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the Scotsman and said,  "Sir, you are too kind.. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The Scotsman replied, "Glad to do it.
"You'll really love my place.
"The grass is almost a foot high"

    Ma?tre d'h?tel: 'Are you here for a special occasion?'
Campbell: 'Aye, we won the third prize in the annual Robert Burns Contest, a haggis dinner for two.'
    Ma?tre d'h?tel: 'What were the other prizes?' Campbell: The second prize was a single haggis dinner, and, if you won the first prize, you didnae have to eat the haggis.'

    Did you hear about the thoughtful Scotsman who was heading out to the pub? He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, 'Jackie - put your hat and coat on lassie.'
    She replied, 'Awe Iain that's nice - are you taking me to the pub with you?'
    'Nah, just switching the central heating off while I'm oot.'