Elephants

[Michael Bush]

Bernie is walking down the street and runs into Sheldon, an old acquaintance

Bernie says, "Sheldon, I am so glad I ran into you. I know some circus people and I can get you an elephant for $100."

Sheldon: What am I going to do with an elephant?

Bernie: He can put thing up on high shelves, He can spray you with water, You know, elephant things.

Sheldon: Where am I going to keep him?

Bernie: You know, he eats hay and straw. I can get you discount.

Sheldon: Look Bernie, I have a one room apartment, I have NO need for an elephant, I do NOT want an elephant and I have NOWHERE to keep an elephant!

Bernie: OK, OK. Look, I can get you three elephants for $200.

Sheldon: Now you're talking!

[Michael Bush]

A billionaire buys an elephant
Two billionaire friends meet. After a casual conversation, one of them finally asks: So, how's your home life?

The other answers: Couldn't be better! I bought an elephant!

The other guy looks at him astonished: An elephant? Have you gone mad?

The guy replies, smiling: Oh, man, let me tell you, it's the best purchase in my life! He's grazing on the lawn, making it nice and even. Kids love him! Always riding his back and sliding down his trunk, keeps them outside instead of in front of the screen all day. My wife loves him too! He's super strong, helps her with moving things around when I'm not home. And let me tell you, the best thing is: it's kind and smart - the best pet I've ever had!

The other billionaire scratches his chin. 'Yeah, that sounds... Kind of amazing actually! How much did you pay for him?'

The guy replies: 'A million bucks! Worth every penny, it's a steal at this price.'

The other billionaire says: 'Sell him to me for two million?'

'No, what are you saying? Sell him? His like family!'

'Three million!'

'I don't know, man... You really can't put a price on this kind of friendship and usefulness!'

'Alright, five million!'

'Five million?.. Well, okay man, I'll sell him to you, but only because we're friends'.

In a few weeks the two billionaires meet up again. The guy who bought the elephant is angry as hell. As soon as he sees the other guy, he starts yelling:

'What THE HELL did you sell to me?? Not only does he NOT graze the lawn, he completely destroyed all my greenery and trees! There's elephant dung EVERYWHERE, it smells even inside the house! And what was that about kids? They are TERRIFIED of the thing, it's aggressive and massive, and scary! I cannot sleep because he trumpets ALL THE TIME. My wife has been having nightmares, and now I won't hear the end of her bickering until I die! IT'S AWFUL, worst purchase in my life!'

The other billionaire looks at him and says:

'Well, man, I don't know what to say, with that attitude, you'll never sell an elephant!'

[Michael Bush]

What's the difference between an Indian and an African elephant?
One's an elephant.

[Michael Bush]

I have the memory of an elephant
When I was six, my parents took me to the zoo. There I saw an elephant.

Why don?t you ever see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they are good at it

When I was younger one of my favorite jokes to tell was about a 4,000 lb. elephant. I tried to convert it to metric to share with the rest of the world.
But, it never got a laugh. Just these looks of mass confusion.

What do you call an elephant that doesn?t matter?
An Irrelephant

How do elephants speed up mealtime?
They truncate it.

Do you know? a King Cobra's venom can kill an elephant.
Thank goodness I am not an elephant.

If it's not about elephants, it's irrelephant. But what if it's about ants?
Pertinant.

How would an elephant smell without a trunk?
Trunk or no trunk, he would still smell terrible.

[Michael Bush]

Incredible Story of Dr. Davis and an Elephant
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Victoria University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring intently at him. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly. Probably wasn't the same elephant.

[salvo]

[Michael Bush]

Women have a very selective memory.  Some things they remember for ever.  Some they forget five minutes later.