"My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never."--Jack Benny
"I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either."--Jack Benny
"It's not so much knowing when to speak, when to pause."-- Jack Benny
"Hors D'oeuvre: A ham sandwich cut into forty pieces."--Jack Benny
"Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air."--Jack Benny
"Modesty is my best quality."--Jack Benny
"No matter how often I tell people I'm thirty-nine some of them refuse to believe I'm that old."--Jack Benny
"A rich man is one who isn't afraid to ask the salesperson to show him something cheaper."--Jack Benny
"I practice three hours daily on my violin so I won't get worse."--Jack Benny
"When I give concerts, the tickets sell for five dollars to one hundred dollars, but for my concerts the five-dollar seats are down in front... the further back you go, the more you have to pay. The hundred dollar seats are the last two rows, and those tickets go like hotcakes! In fact, if you pay two hundred dollars you don't have to come at all."--Jack Benny
"There's only five real people in Hollywood. Everyone else is Mel Blanc."--Jack Benny
"Everything good that happened to me happened by accident."--Jack Benny
"Try to save something while your salary is small; it's impossible to save after you begin to earn more."--Jack Benny
"Any man who would walk five miles through the snow, barefoot, just to return a library book so he could save three cents - that's my kind of guy."--Jack Benny
"I was born in Waukegan a long, long time ago. As a matter of fact, our rabbi was an Indian."--Jack Benny
"As you may or may not know, in keeping with the high-class tone of Beverly Hills, our police force is probably the most snobbish group of gendarmes in the world. It is said that the Beverly Hills Police Department is so fancy that it has an unlisted number."--Jack Benny
"I believe in being honest with myself. If there's one thing I hate it's when a comedian is great and won't admit it. I've never met one like that, but if I did, I'd hate them."--Jack Benny
"I'm an old newspaper-man myself, but I quit because I found there was no money in old newspapers."--Jack Benny
"I must be cheaper now than I was ten years ago in order to get a laugh. It's not funny now if I leave the table and give the waiter a nickel tip, which was a laugh years ago. Today I must maneuver it so that somehow I get the waiter to give me a nickel tip."--Jack Benny
I began my show business career playing violin in San Francisco at the corner of Market and Taylor. I understand that there is a theater there now."--Jack Benny
"I'm like Will Rogers, I never met a man I didn't like... well, Eichmann maybe."--Jack Benny
"Bill Paley is not only the greatest boss I ever had, but he's the most brilliant, honest and warm human being I've ever met. And I'll say that to his face - even if it costs me my job."--Jack Benny
Topic: Jack Benny Day, born Feb 14, 1894 (Read 658 times)