The perfect crime was committed last night.
Someone broke into the police station and stole all the toilets. Police say they have nothing to go on.
What do you call a female police officer playing guitar?
She-riff.
Officer: ?I notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking??
Driver: ?I noticed your eyes are glazed over. Have you been eating donuts??
Did you hear the celery got arrested?
They charged him with stalking.
Cop: ?When I saw you driving down the road, I guessed 55 at least.?
Driver: ?You?re wrong, officer. It?s only my hat that makes me look that old.?
Officer: ?Why did you park here??
Me: ?The sign says, ?Fine for parking.'?
Judge: ?I thought I said that I never wanted to see you in here again.?
Criminal: ?That?s what I kept telling the arresting officer, but he wouldn?t listen.?
An officer observes a woman standing in the middle of the street.
He approaches her and asks, ?Are you OK?? The woman replies, ?Yes, but how do I get to the hospital?? The officer says, ?Just keep standing there.?
When caught speeding, an airman on leave tried to talk an officer out of giving him a ticket.
He asked, ?Would it make a difference if I told you I?m in the Air Force?? The police officer replied, ?Yes, but only if you were driving an airplane.?
On what show do police officers solve crimes committed by garden gnomes?
Lawn & Order.
What are the four food groups for cops?
Jelly, powdered, glazed, and chocolate frosted.
An officer stops a man for speeding and notices he?s not wearing his required prescription glasses.
Officer: ?I have to give you a ticket for not wearing your glasses.? Driver: ?Officer, I have contacts.? Officer: ?I don?t care who you know, you?re still getting a ticket.?
A police officer pulled me over and said, ?Papers.?
I said, ?Scissors. I win!? and drove off. I guess he wants a rematch because he?s been following me for about 45 minutes.
A cop gives a woman a speeding ticket, and she wants to know why he didn?t give her a warning first.
The officer says, ?Ma?am, there are warnings posted up and down this highway. They say, ?Speed Limit 65.'?
What happens when a police officer goes to bed?
He becomes an undercover cop.
Officer: ?How high are you??
Driver: ?No, officer, it?s ?Hi, how are you?'?
Tourist: ?Are you a policeman??
Officer: ?No, I am an undercover detective.? Tourist: ?So, why are you in uniform?? Officer: ?Today is my day off.?
A police officer arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states.
Solid, liquid, and gas.
There?s a man in the town who?s stealing the wheels of police cars.
The police are working tirelessly to catch him.
A woman was speeding down the road and was pulled over by a female police officer.
The cop asked to see her driver?s license. As she dug through her purse, she became more and more agitated. ?What does it look like?? the woman asked. The policewoman replied, ?It?s square, and it has your picture on it.? The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it, and handed it to the policewoman. ?Here it is,? she said. The officer looked at the mirror, handed it back and said, ?OK, you can go. I didn?t realize you were a cop.?
The police are trying to say I assaulted a guy with a sheet of sandpaper.
All I did was rough him up a bit.
Detective to perp: ?Did you kill this man??
Perp: ?No, he died of natural causes.?
Detective: ?He was shot!?
Perp: ?Right ? a bullet killed him. Bullets are made of lead, which comes from the ground. The ground is part of nature. So, he died of natural causes. Sheesh, I thought you were the detective here.?
Cop to perp: ?Where do you live??
Perp: ?With my parents.?
Cop: ?Where do your parents live??
Perp: ?With me.?
Cop: ?Where do you all live??
Perp: ?Together.?
Cop: ?Where is your house??
Perp: ?Next to my neighbor?s house.?
Cop: ?Where is your neighbor?s house.?
Perp: ?If I tell you, would you believe me??
Cop: ?Tell me.?
Perp: ?Next to my house.?
Who works in tandem with the grammar police?
Corrections officers.
How do cops greet people?
Policed to meet you!
Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control
And yet cases continue to rise
Topic: Policemen (Read 416 times)